Why not How

During this Christmas break I read Through Painted Deserts by Don Miller. The book follows the author and his friend Paul from Texas to Oregon and a few places in between. It's a wonderful narrative that pulled at my longing to travel and be free from worries. I think we all (at least guys) want to travel. I don't just mean vacation either. We want to be on an adventure of sorts. This book definetly puts you int the mood for one.
Miller's main point of the book is changing our thinking from how questions such as: How do I become sucessful? or How do I need to live? (which are still god questions) to Why questions like: Why did God create us? Why does a beauty have such an impact on my soul? We need to ponder these questions which are so often overlooked and exchanged for more superficial How questions.

Let's slow down and listen a while

Fewer and fewer people, it seems, simply listen to music these days. Instead of going to a concert or sitting down and listening, we use it as background noise for every imaginable activity. I think this does a great injustice to the music and, more specifically, the composer.

First, the person who wrote the song/piece never intended for it to be listened to while doing your homwork, driving, etc. The exception, however, is musique de table like Handel's water music. That was specifically designed for that purpose but I doubt he would have minded a closer listening by his audience. To make my point stronger, none of the popular music written today is for the purpose of background noise; it is art. Out of respect for the artist we should actually listen to the words/notes and find out what they have to say. Instead of actually tuning it out and usinng it as a way to avoid dreaded silence, we should take a few minutes to hear music. You have no idea how soothing even a single note can be unil you really listen to it.

However, some music really isn't worht your time in this way. But that's good; some of us should develop a more discriminating taste. Find the music that speaks to you, makes you cry, tells you something new, or gets your feet tapping and blood rushing. When was the last time music did any of these thing to you? It has the power to do so if you simply let it.

For example, the Festival of Christmas this year was filled with beautiful, slow music that can bring you to tears becuase of it's sheerr beauty. it also had music that could make you think, specifically about God and the Christmas season. But what to I see during these songs? My friend in the second row about passed out from boredom. Our listening habits have sone this to us! We are to lazy to open up our mind's ear and really hear the music. Don't get me wrong, it's not easy and it definetly isn't a walk in the park sometimes, but music has a capacity to move us if we let it. Maybe that's why we don't like Classical music or most jazz. It requires something from the listener and we are too busy to give anything to music. We want immediate gratification and, since we don't understand it now, we don't want to take the time to learn how to listen. It's just another part of the curse of the modern need for speed.


That's enough for now; go listen to some Beethoven. You'll thank me later.

Christmas list

In the continuing spirit of the holidays I'm going to get a jump on the materialistic side of Christmas and write a Christmas wish list. There's something very gratifying about listing all the things you want.
Here it goes:

- iPod (just a 20 gig 2nd gen is good enough for me)
- Digital camera (how am I going to remember the trip to Germany)
- The orchestra trip paid off
- Pants that fit (mine seem to still be shrinking)
- new rosin
- a new bow (and while we are at it a nice 10K Double Bass wouldn't hurt)
- Sheet music to Meditation Hebraique by Bloch, some Bottesini, and other great bass music
- a few books:
Anything by Brian McLaren
Some poetry compilations especially ones with Robert Frost
Anything C.S. Lewis
Teaching Music Through performance series
Some Good Music Biographies
- a new car
- Some CDs:
More Wynton Marsalis
Double Bass Solo music recordings (Gary Karr etc.)
Beethoven Symphonies
Classic Jazz recordings
- The Coltrane "Blue Train" poster
- a Keilwerth sax
- All of the important band and orchestra instruments (save percussion)


- the good news is I can live without all of this and musch less. But it's fun to dream....

Things I'm Thankful for

In the spirit of the holiday season I submit to you (and mostly to myself for later review) a list of some things I'm thankful for (In no particular order):

1. My stuff
- I have all I need and much more. It's great to live in a place where overabundance is not only commonplace, it is expected. Now I all need is to learn how to live with less and share my blessing instead of lusting after more and more stuff
2. Music
- without this life would be very bland. I can't imagnie living without such an integral part of my life; it is my major, my talent, and offers moments of sheer exstasy sometimes which leaves me wanting more (ever felt that surge of emotion?)
3. My friends
- There are times when I feel alone but I do have many friends who care about me and I should keep that in mind at all times. As time goes on I would like to get to know them better; fewer surfacy relationships and more life long bonds.
4. My health
- In an age where flu, aids, birth defects, emotional and behavioral disorders, and cancer are everywhere I find myself among the lucky few who are not the worse for wear. I know at some point illness will touch my life but I thank God for these times of health (not one cold or allergy this semester yet!)
5. My family
- My parents love me enough that they came up here for thanksgiving (even though my dad is a cheapskate usually). My sister is also doing well and I know she thinks of me often. I love you guys!
6. God
- Thanks for not forgetting about me. For those nudges to pray, those reminders that you are there, for creation (and it is beautiful), and for forgiveness.
7. Girls
- I don't mean this in the purely physical attraction side of things (though that is a plus). I love that girls are so different from guys. It's frustrating at time but I often learn from them. They remind us to use our emotions, be relational, and promt me to look for love. There's something is a girl's smile, her eyes, her very being that tells me finding "the one" is very important. Thank you ladies!

A Matter of Importance

When I was in gym class during middle school we played football. During that time I took command of a team, I called the plays and decided how to do things. Interestingly enough, we won all of our games. I made good decisions and we pulled out with and undefeated record. Wait; Hold the applause. I think that might have been one of my greatest mistakes I made in middle school and one of the biggest missed opportunities in my public school career.

My decisions would have been seen as good and justifiable by our cultures standard. But Christ was, I believe, unhappy with my performance. You see, the way I won those games was by using the two fastest kids in school. We ran the ball or did a short pass to those two every time and always gained yards. But what about all of the others kids. I short changed their experience and made them think I was a jerk all to win a few inconsequential games in P.E. I should have passed the ball around, given everyone a chanc, and then maybe I could have been christlike.

It's like this:
Christ stood up for the weak, he fought the strong, and loved the poor etc. (you get the idea). He would have also seen past that single month to realize the eternal potential in the situation. It was my chance to love some of my peers, show them who crhist is in me, and maybe impact them eternally. Instead I opted for a short-lived glory that was probably only in my head.

That month I had a lot of kids angry with me becuase I was selfish. Don't make my mistake (well, it's going to happen but watch for it, I'll try to as well). If you realize that loving others is more important that selfish gain. Then maybe, just maybe, you'll look a little more like Christ.

Matthew 22:39

Three words: Scared of Commitment

I've found that the one fear I face the most day in and day out is the fear of commitment. I doubt that I can make important decisions well; not to mention the unimportant ones as well. First, I haven't been quick to get "on the dating scene". My parents are beginning to get worried and, frankly, so am I. But why don't I do something? There are plenty of wonderful girls that I know who would be great candidates (please don't be offended by my use of the word cnadidate). And I'm sure at least one of them might go on a date with me if I asked them nicely. It's also not for lack of thinking about the subject; I think about it constantly. Some days I think, "Yeah I should take ____ to ____ that would fit well with their personality and it something we could conncect with." Other days, however, I think, "_____ is really beautiful, smart, funny etc. She has all the qualities I could want is a girl but if I got out with her my options are gone." This second thought is the one that happens just often enough to stop me from making any escisions whatsoever. I don't think I really fear rejection, I fear making a choice that I'll regret.
I have a dream where I ask this girl out; she's the one I've liked for many years but while we are on a date I meet someone (or even just see them) else who is perfect for me; she's the one." How can I make and important decision like this unless I am 100% certain she's the one. But wait... this is just one date. No obligations. Why am I attaching such significance to something so inherently trivial? So I should just ask _____ out on a date this weekend. But wait, shoudl I ask _____ instead. Is dating stupid? Once I've gone on one date where will we go next? Can I find enough ideas to keep her interested? See my train of thought?

It's enough to drive a person mad. So maybe I'll keep wainting until God nudges me in the back. He'll say, "she's the one" and that will be it.



Yeha right

I'm too busy wasting time

Everyday I race from one responsibility to another; band, orchestra, class, jazz band, practicum, homework, vespers, work, and more. it seems like most everyone I know has the same prayer request, "I'm really busy, my schedule is hectic." We schedule overbook our lives instead of leaving room for new possibilities. I read a number of books this summer and have seen many more I would like to read but I can't make the time for it and still retain my mental health (what little I have left). I think that free time should be included in our liberal arts programs; I need more time to find my hobbies, interests, etc. and work them out. But are we really coreced into this lifestyle? What would we really do with this free time?

Personally, I'm afraid of the resposiblity of free time. I don't want to make decisions; most likely I'd end up regreting them. I don't want the responsibility of free time. Could I make the choice of who to date (I don't have to think about that becuase I'm too busy) or what to read, practice, or do? What if I make the wrong choice?

Someday, however, I will have to step out and decide; I'll have to make a move and ,if it's the wrong one, pick myself back up.

A piece of Brain McLaren's genius

The acclaimed author of "A New Kind of Christian" and "Generous Orthodoxy" has a new book coming out called "The Secret Message of Jesus". If this new release is anything like his other books the writing will be refreshing yet challenging. Also, I think I know a little of what he may write about; it's recently been on my heart as well.

One of the clear messages coming from "Generous Orthodoxy" is that no denomination has it completely right. We all have our strong suits, but we need to search out the weaknesses and restore balance to our viewpoints. My main example is in the message of Jesus (this is where the new book advertisement fits in). I believe that, since Jesus was the son of God, he came for more than just a single reason. I hate the song "Above All" becuase it boils the eclectic and holistic ministry of Christ down to one act. This is far from the truth. Jesus came to be born, heal the sick, preach, die, and so much more. Even in the single act of dying he didn't think of me alone. The salvific act of Christ death offered us life here and hereafter. It also brought retoration to this planet. Jesus broguth salvation to man and creation and the world is in the process of being sanctified through Christ. I believe it is our christian duty to care about the planet and it's inhabitants becuase it is all being redeemed. God didn't send out an escape pod for some select human souls to board and find life later on. He promises life to the full now through his kingdom which is here now. This is a major part of the gospel that the Baptist tradition underemphasises. Evangelism, then, should be about loving others for the sake of furthering love. We want others to join us in our quest to rid the world of evil (which will only come when Jesus return but that doesn't mean we should work to better our situation now). I'm not saying sin and eternal salvation aren't important; they are just overemphasised in my personal tradition.

I'm not very eloquent so go check out McLaren's writings. He says it so succintly (and quotes scripture like I have failed to do).

Why do we read blogs?

It's an odd occurence today that blogs have a high level of poularity. But why do we feel compelled to read them?

It could be the sister's diary scenario. We want to be privy to some secret information about others. Know something about them that we wouldn't have learned through non-covert means. Once we learn this juicy tidbit we feel powerful and that makes us want to read more.

Or it could be that we want to feel secure that we are truly normal. We have our own set of experiences and ways of acting. How can we know if it is normal? Am I the only one who is interested in deep sea marine life (only an example) or am I the only one who eats a full, $1.29, 6 serving box of Mike & Ikes in one sitting (if only it were just an example). We long to feel normal and when we find someone who thinks the way we do we become elated. Finally, someone who shares my fear of roller coasters! These knowledge also forms a bond with the other person. Somehow, finding that other person justifies our actions. Now we can do them without shame and humiliation; bring our foibles out into the open. But not until we find that person.

Do you know why we read blogs?

Chernobyl

Some things that can cause a meltdown:

-Online game pieces not working at Playatmcds.com
-Unplanned, extra rehersals that eat up your free time before the next rehersal
-Thinking you lost you bow when you simply set it aside and forgot about it(well it's actually the school's but I'm still responsible fo it)
-People talking in the hall while you are trying to clam down after a 13 hour school day (noise in general)
-The shower suddenly turning really hot then really cold while you are trying to relax
- Learning about new homework or hidden homework (you know, the ones in the syllabus that are never mentioned after the first day of classes)
- multiple projects at one time
-slow internet
- hearing how busy someone else is when when they aren't involved in any extracurricular activities and have an easy major (me? no electives + 18 cr. per semester)
- having a $500 gig possiblity but having to turn it down becuase every scheduled rehersal conflicts with something in my schedule.
-not being able to practice for 2 weeks becuase of lack of time

I could go on forever; and these all happened today! Understandably, I had a bit of a meltdown. With schoolwork piling up and time running short I have hit a wall. Luckily, someone was there to catch me (God). I read psalm 24 and really tired to relax tonight. I had many distractions and things running through my head but I think I've reached the downhill. So why do I get so stressed?
I think the main reason is personal expectations; I expect perfection in school work. I simply haven't had the time to devote to studying and practicing that I would like and so I can see my grades slipping. I don't know why but grades hold many of us in a stranglehold. We try so hard to get A's and will destroy our health and become stressed simply for a letter attached to our name.

grades are labels. They tell us who we are academically. We even say "he's an A student" or "She's a D student (no gender bias intended)." Our live revolve around how some prof. decids to grade our papers, projects, and tests. Often we are subjected to thier personal bias and, as a result, we try to find our their preferred answer instead of seeking personal understanding. I won't even sepak up in class for fear of not having the prof.'s desired answer. This makes for an exemplary student when I do have the answer but for a lousy learner. I want to get past this grade obsession but it seems the harder I try the worse I feel about relying so I'm led to work more for the grade. So I play this game where I fall to pieces simply becuase I can't get someone else's idea of concept mastery finished instead of finding out what the course has to offer me and really learning. Countless times beloved subject have fallen away becuase they have become a class. I enjoyed theory, until I was graded on it. I desired to know everything about that research toppic, until I became my reasearch topic. get the Idea?

And soI continue in this cycle of stress and anxiety all becuase of a simple sheet of paper that tells me who I am.

My frustration

I love to play, even perform. Good music get me moving, gets me thinking, or gets me... plain and simple. I find a voice in playing and I worship best when I have an instrument in my hand. That's why it hurts when the turn out for an important concert is poor. When you give yourself blisters by playing so hard and experience pain in an attempt to make music that will satisfy others. I want others to experience the joy I find in jazz; to drink in the ballad or tap their toes to a deep swing. Not only that, it hurts when I see professional musicians come to play for our campus and they recieve little support. Specifically, I am talking about the Mulligan Stew concert this past thursday. It angers me that everyone says they enjoy jazz when I talk to them but don't have the action to back it up. They miss a great oportunity to hear some great music, even support Bethel's attempt at the genre becuase, quite frankly, they procrastinated too long or simply don't care. Your fellow students work hard to make good music and, yes, we do it for our own enjoyment but we want others to be there to congratulate us and to experience it. It like the old saying "If a tree falls in the forest an no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?" We made quite a sound, but the majority of Bethel didn't hear it. I do admit that the few that heard it were thrilled, but I want a bigger group to show up. If the school can turn out thousands to a football game shurely they can turn out a few hundred for professional musicians gracing our presence. Personally, I hoped a contingent of my friends would be there (yes there were a few of you). I told many people but no one seemed interested enough to support me. It shows me that you really don't care about what I do (of course many could say the same about me and for that I apologize). I feel betrayed by my group that says they appreciate jazz (yeah facebook!). To take a line from Batman Begins "Iit's not who you are underneath but what You do that defines who you are."
I'm tired of seeing the same dwindling numbers of people attend music events at Bethel. We have high quality programs often for free but most people miss out becuase they don't want to "waste their time". It not a waste, you may enjoy the concert, but, more imporantly, it gives the music department your support. And when even the school administration doesn't care enough to advertise, attend, or fund music event (except for the moneymaking festival of christmas) we can use all the support we can get. I have something great I have devoted my life to and i'd like to share it with as many people as possible.

By the way This week;
Orchestra concert monday night
Jazz concert Friday
Parents Weekend concert saturday
all concerts start at 7:30

Some Questions

here's a few questions without answers (I haven't found them yet):

Why do I sense things the way I do?

Why did I once hate spicy food but now I enjoy it?

Is there really TIME or is it a man-made invention?

Why can't I break away from social norms?

Am I who I think I am?

Is there something inside of me that makes me different? In other words, am simply I made up of expereinces?

What if someone experineced exactly the same things I did in the same order and same way; whould they be me?

Will I have hair in 25 years, will I want it?

If God loves me so much and we are strengthened by adversity, why doesn't he make my life harder?

It's all jazz

What is jazz? It's conversation through song; playing your song (which is derived from another song which we jazz musicians call "the head") and hearing, listening and conversing with the songs of others. For example, the great trumpeter Wynton Marsalis might be playing the tune "Take the A-Train" which tells the reality of joy found in the mundane. he and his compatriot, Wessell Anderson would play the "head" together; telling the reality as understood by Duke Ellington, the song's composer. After playing the "head" twice, Wynton would break in and play a bouncing melodic line, proclaiming the bounce in his step that comes from joy. Wessell listens and, when it's his turn to speak, would agree by playing something similar. Then, however, he would move on to his own take on joy. Maybe tonight he sees the pure energy that joy creates (you know how it makes you want to move, jump, do something fast) and he would play a flurry of notes. Fingers flying, he would tell his story and ,once he had said enough for the night, Wynton would break in with him and play the head. Yet, this time it would be different. Maybe some runs here, a new tone color there, they would integrate their songs into the "head" weaving a three part harmony based on Ellington's famous song written so we could converse with him (even though he's dead).

And that's only part of the conversation; I could go into how the rythm section says it's "amens" and tell their stories but that is for another time. The point here is CONVERSATION.

Since, as I said before, we all experience the world differently, we all have different songs. Not only that, we undersatnd things differently. I say pen and you might think of a ball point, black ink, bic but I may be thinking of a blue ink one (what are some other pen types besides ball point?). Now, since we percieve this way, it's a miracle we can communicate. I hope you all like miracles, I do. the important part of conversation, true conversation, is realizing this. We must stop thinking about ourselves and realize that the person on the other end of this conversation has his/her own points to make. They want to convey something just as much as we do, but we forget that there's a living, breathing, person on the other end and simply talk at them. remember I made a distinction at the beginning between listening and hearing? (go ahead, check) We need to really listen to what others say, maybe we could pick up a piece of their song (or what their song means to us). Many arguments could be solved if we would just stop to think about the other persons perspective. We may think they were stupid for making that choice, but at the time it seemed rational to them, possibly even the best option. But you come into the argument with false assumptions. You also bring in baggage from you own life and force it on them. They must think like you, act like you, know what has happened to you. We must stop being egocentric for our own good. Ayn Rand would assert that the best thing to do is whatever benefits you. Well... it is beneficial to realise the position of others.

If only we all thought the same way; but then we wouldn't be unique.
if we could understand each other that would be great; but the greatetst part is that God has enabled us to break through this existential barrier and communicate. It's not done often, but when it happens it truly is a miracle.

Facebook quote study

So I have several quotes posted on facebook and I'd like to take a good look at one (or two or all) of them.

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them"
Henry David Thoreau


First some background: This famous quote is from his book, Walden, that recounts his experience living simply on the shores of Waldn pond. In the first chapter, titled economics (I think), he goes in depth on why he attempted to live as such. This quote occurs while he remarks on the way men live and how they are seemingly tied to their work, their land, and the accumulation of things. Now that I have given some background I'll tell you my take on the quote.

What does it mean to live... I mean really live. "suck out the marrow" and drink deeply from life. It is singing.
To go to the grave with your song still in you means that you never sang; you never told your story. I don't mean the song that was given to you; either by being told what to do or being brainwashed. I mean the song that you have developed through trials, the good times in a single word- experience.
Your experiences are unique, don't think for a moment that you are like anyone else. In fact, I believe we experience even mundane things subjectively. Our understanding of "It's warm outside" is subjective. Not just the extremes, I think that, if there was a point at which one MUST put on a sweater, everyone's point would be different so in turn everyone's expereince of temperature would be different. NOTHING IS OBJECTIVE (in the strictest sense).

We must, then, proclaim our sbjectivity in song; but most don't do that. We become attached to our jobs, our property, and, most of all, to what people think of us. (insert tangent here) I believe that we don't really know who we are. We let others tells us who we should be and believe that that is our genuine self. CAST OFF THIS DENIAL; become who you feel like being. Probe the depths of things and find your subjective beliefs and understaindings.

So what does it mean to "live lives of quiet desperation"? I think that deep down we know that there is a personal song to sing, but we deny ourselves this becuase it may be unclutured or different or maybe we are afraid of making a "mistake". Let me tell you; THIS SONG IS SUBJECTIVE, it's improvised, it's jazz. You aren't missing that leap of a major 7th, the major 7th isn't there. You decide what you want to sing becuase the only things you can sing, once you cast off the fake song made by others, is what is inside of you. But we are desperate to sing becuase we have not sung, it requires too much of us. We fear our real selves; are they attractive? are they funny? are they wise? It's seems like they couldn't be but we want these "desireable" traits so insdead of pursuing ourselves we pursue the ideal person. Suppressing our song, we hold back and wait for the right social cues.

But believe me, I don't sing either. What is my song? I don't know yet. Have I tried to sing it? Not often and only when I am by myself or when I'm writing. Let's try this together. One step at a time. Step one: find your starting pitch........

Adequacy

I struggle with adequacy; I have to fight against it every day. I'm not saying that I think I'm overly adequate, I'm not (let's clear that up now). But I try to be adequate; adequate in work, adequate in attitude, adequate in loving others. I know that God should be my provider, he is the adequate one. Still, though, I don't feel comfortable handing over my struggle to God (whatever that means). I keep trying, fighting against impossible odds. It's is impossible, you know, we can't be adequate. Our human nature leaves us wanting, we need God ( can't you feel that?) Yet our flesh fights that. Hmm.....

That's it

A Poem for Thought

How to express this struggle
Inside, Depressed, I ponder.

I think about my sorrow grown,
made large by circumstance untold.

To worry is my biggest charge today
I wonder why fate has led me here?

A place where destiny, unkown, does rattle me
My path seems only certain to... dissapoint.

What is this agony? My struggle, sorrow, worry, disapointment?
The failure to be loved and love with equal tenderness.

Erickson's Psychosocial stages

He's really right you know. We all have a common crisis we deal with in various stages of life. Old people deal with Integrity, middle aged folk deal with generativity(did I accomplish anything?), and we (young adults) deal with Intimacy vs. Isolation. I feel this crisis almost daliy; not even business can get rid of it. I think about deeper friendships and who might be a good candidate. Yet many of my relationships remain shallow, I feel condemned to isolation. to make is worse, it seems even more hopeless when it comes to intimacy in romatic relationships.

I haven't really had any deep relationships in this category (noteworthy or not). The closest thing I come to is listening to Jazz ballads (see previous post). I can almost imagine a romantic slow dance (yes a guy can find that to be a good thing too). I'm not just talking a desire for physical intimacy, this is a deep longing foe a soul mate; someone to talk to about everything. Someone who I know I can be open with; I don't have to watch my words, they can just flow. I'd like to not worry about saying the wrong things. Instead, I'd love to vent, rant, or just talk.

Erickson says that if the crisis goes unmet it can result in stunted psychological growth. I don't want to be an unwhole person. More personally, I don't want to feel alone. We are a loner culture but deep inside lies a desire for meaningful relationships. I want that.

But Why during Homecoming week?

It seems like Homecoming week is the perfect week for assesment and projects. I don't have time to participate in activities becuase of my class work. Certainly if all I did was school work and homecoming events I could pull it off, but that's not going to happen. I need some free time. Let me jsut hit on my main point of anger.

In woodwind pedagogy class we have a flute test on friday. I have to be able to proficiently play on an instrument I can't get even tone on. I can't play all of the notes I have to know; this envolves developin the embrocure, which one cannot to in two weeks. I have practiced the perscribed amount of time yet I am struggling. But I'm not the only one, all the other non-woodwind players are stuggling (all four of us) but Thompson is having trouble seeing through the crowd of flautists to understand our frustration. We definetly need more time becuse I don't have more than thirty minutes a day to spend on this stuff. I can barely make thirty minutes becuase of stamina and sheer anger an not being able to play the note in tune.

I'm fuming.....

We've got spirit how about you!

It's depressing how anti-school sirit I am. I cringe at the sign of a campus event and avoid the homecoming cheer like the plague. Why don't I like school spirit? Maybe it stems from my aversion to people in high school who were full of spirit (since that's not the only thing they were full of it's not suprising I found them less than enjoyable to be around). Perhaps I simply believe that the energy produced with school spirit is contrived. I mean, does anyone really care about campus image that much or think our school is "the best"? Which leads me to perhaps the main reason for not being "spirit-filled"; It seems like even the worst schools have school spirit (which in and of itself is not bad). When schools get hyped up about school pride bad things can happen; violence, anger, wasting of time to learn dumb cheers.

Actually, now that I think about it, the main reason for not liking school pride is due to the condescensionthat accopanies it. We look down on those who don't like to participate (like me), the introverts are undesireable (me again), and we resort to a constant contest for who is the biggest school fan. We end up holding it over each other as a trophy. "I led the group in the cheer", or "I have been to every event" just push down those that either don't have time
or even those that can go but don't show their enthusiams as well as others.

That's why I am anit-school spirit.
Or maybe it's because......

Worship Ghettos

My dad made a good analogy today regarding the "privitization" of worship music. One group prefers Traditional Hymns while another prefers Choruses. Why do we divide over the how our music sounds? Can't we all just get along?

I say that to be funny bu there is a point to it. When we focus on style differences and decide one type is our preferred choice we forget the object of our worship. I think we should seriously conisder style choices, but the conclusion should be an eclectic blend of quality worship that both proclaims the greatness of God and our longing for him. We need to praise, honor and adore God; this type of worship can be found (textually) in hymns and gospel music (there are eceptions and also other style s I will most likely neglect to mention so please don't condemn my opinion becuase of the details).

Choruses (the music of the 90's until today [yes even earlier to starting with songs like "as the deer"]) are a great way to express the personal nature of our relationship with God. We express our yearning for the creator and the emotions associated with knowing God. These are great but more often than not we have a "worship diet" rich in this type of music. Our overdosing get to the point of hedonistic pleasure seeking, where we "worship" to get spiritually high instead of to honor God. We should have a blanced diet and remeber to praise God as well.
To illustrate this point; I was watching a worship music dvd (fre from Family Christian) it had music from Paul Baloche, Israel and the New Breed, Darlene Zschech, and other famous worship leaders. There were nine songs in all and eight of them expressed the worshipper's point of view (using mainly I, Me, My vocabulary). These are good songs (I really like Paul Baloche's "Offering") but we need a good balance. It's time to step out of our segregated churches and integrate other worship cultures. Perhaps we could stand a little "spiritual busing"?

Jazz Ballads

What is a good Jazz Ballad?

I'm listening to some of my jazz ballads from iTunes
-Sonny Rollins "You Don't Know What Love Is"
-John Coltrane "In a Sentimental Mood"
-Miles Davis "When I Fall in Love"
- Wynton Marsalis "End Of A Love Affair"
- Ellington "Chelsea Bridge"
- Basie "Lil' Darling"

What makes these ballads great? Yes, the music is well written; the chords create some amazing colors but I don't have that sound, that essence that is , well, essential, to jazz ballads. (commas anyone?)
So what am I hearing? It's something Emotional, Spiritual, Physical, Sexual (can I say that, Bethelites might read this!!). Great Jazz ballads have the essence of romance injected into them. Their sound pierces you deeply. A single held note says many things; they have an urgency in them that says, I love you. They say I just want to hold you close and then tell us what it feels like when you do. Great Jazz ballads make you want to find someone to share the music with (if you don't already have that person). They say, ah! Yes! The is what love really is. I can't completely explain what they say, in fact each persons experience is subjectuve; what says to me "Love" might say to you "Pain". Maybe is says both?
One of the greatest things Jazz ballads have taught me is that love and pain are inexplicably tied together. Love is pain and pain is love; not is the meaning that love is always painful. But someone crying evokes a feeling of love. "That person is hurting and I feel for them" or "I love you so much it hurts". These feelings are urges that want to burst out of our skins and yell, but that won't do enough. Words will not say all that is involved that's why Rollins, Coltrane, Miles, Wynton, Ellington, and Basie played it.

Being Real

How do you stay real when it comes to sin?
I've tried sometimes, I've been sincere, I've wanted to change but still I go back to the old ways of doing things. How does forgiveness work when I'm constantly asking to forgiven fro the same things. Shouldn't we change, get better, become more like christ? yet here I am; the same as always, a few minor changes in theology etc. but none the better for it. I still ignore the poor, the needy, and focus on what pleases me. And I don't mean those higher pleasures that we should be striving for. I mean those piddly little things that satisfy us in the moment but offer no lasting solutions.

Oh how I want Jesus to return ans put an end to this!!

Read the last post first

And I forgot to say. I beleive that if your seek the truth you will find it. Ask God to aid you in this pursuit of truth and it will inevitably lead you to him.

But it has to be scripturally based!!!

I have a serious problem; I don't think that the Bible is the only true source of Christian knowledge. I believe it is good to create beliefs based on experience and other sources. I think it is ok to search out the truth in nature, in the writings of nonchristians, and in yourself. And worst of all, I don't think the Bible was meant to be God's rule book for man.

The Bible is a book, yes it is inspired but it is still a book. The writers of the bible we real people and they injected the book with their own personality and soul. God didn't take over people's bodies to make them write what he wanted them to; he worked through them (that's the miracle) to make a Book that is both timely and timeless.

Experience, in my opinion, is valid. God gives us experience and sensations in this world and I belive his eternal truth in found withint these things. Yes, other bad things can also be found, but He did create the world. I'm sick of people yelling that everything we do has to be 100% straight out of the Bible. If people bow and sing in worship we can too, but if they didn't paint, write, or do other activities as worship they must not be valid. If all of this is a good way to go about things what did the early christians do before the canonization of scripture? They must have been totally lost. Oh yeah! tha's right, they flourished dispite this "handicap".


Don't get me wrong I love the Bible; in fact, I believe realizing that the Bible is a group of inspired but human documents makes it all the more powerful. How did God ispire these people yet leave their humanity intact? It amazes me that we can find something like this fresh Book that is true for all people, at all times, and in all places, yet was written in cultural context. The majority of movies made tewnty, or thirty, years ago are completely irrelevanttoday but this Book was written of the course of thousands of years and the final "Chapter" was written around two thousand years before today! And we find new fresh ideas in new cultural contexts. Bring the bible into modernism and you find one things and bring it into postmodernism and you find something completely differnt (not opposite just different). Take this book to an African tribe and it will mean something new to them too. There is power in this ability to be both in and outside of cultural context. Of course, we have to be careful when dealing with context (how much culture are our conclusions) But God promises the Holy Spirit so he has our back covered.

Oh yeah, the Bible is awesome. But so are the writings of C.S. Lweis, Brian McLaren, the music of Beethoven, U2, etc. and the art of Michelangelo and Jackson Pollack. Find God in everything and you will see life in an entirely new way even if everything you believe afterwards isn't directly coming from the mouth of Paul.

Mystic

What is missing in today's modern church? Why aren't people of my generation coming; fewer and fewer millennials are going to church and it's not becuase they aren't spiritual.
We, as a collective generation, believe in some higher power (generally). We know there are things that can't be explained and we like the mystery. The modern age, especially the age of reason, gave us science and logic which have tired to explain eveything. The thing is not everything is explainable. You would think the church would understand that more than most, but our preachers either attept to explain them or never approach the subject.

Also, what happened to the beauty associated with Christianity. Baroque arcitecture evokes feelings of spirituality and reminds us of the divine. Yet, most of our churches look like office buildings. Don't send me to a sterile, lifeless building to encounter a mystical God. We forget how important our other senses are; yes we are thinking things, but we are also feeling, hearing, seeing things (Thank you Descartes).

I think you get my Point. Now go encounter a God who is mysterious and alive.

Seriously

It's been a very long time since I have written here and I have grown tremendously.
I read many different things this past summer and done some stuff as well but the most impacting thing was learning about a New Way of Thinking About Christianity (caps for emphasis).

I read books by Brian McLaren that opened my mind to postmodern, postprotestant, post(lots of things), christianity. I have found that, along with a large portion of my generation, I am fed up with the church today. Rather, I already new that but I learned why it's true. I am sick of ungenuine worship, sterile buildings, formulaic services, "seeker friendly" churches, anti- Catholic biases, and many other things (mainly tracing back to modernism).

regarding woship, I have found a desire to embrace "emerging worship". I desire to integrate ancient practices and ancient music, remember the value of prayer, and get back to the core of what worship is. Let's engage the senses and not neglect the nonmusical churchgoers. Maybe there are varied forms of expression? Since when was hand raising manditory?

I'm really interested in integrating my worship ideas into Vespers at Bethel. What about singing chant? How about using art or poetry? Could we do something with responsorial reading of the psalms set to a melody determined by the leader? Let's find Bethel's unique worship voice insteadd of playing the same things that we can buy at the Christian Book Store (including playing just like the CD).


Well, enough for now. I can't think with all the noise (my roomate is playing a compy game)

Later

Posting time

My friend Adam Meckler came a few days ago. He always has the ability to make me jealous.

he's going to Lawrence conservatory and had learned much about playing music. The setup there sounds amazing and they sound like a top notch program. He and I jammed a little and I felt very out of practice. I haven't been concetrating on playing jazz so I have definetly lost some of my old ability.

I guess it's a good thing becuase it makes me want to practice. But I need to keep pinao proficiency and the other important aspects of my education in mind.

I just wish I could take this summer off and practice, read, and work on imporving. It's frustrating that I have to work, but the money is needed so i have little choice. Oh well, I'll get around to finding time for imporvement one of these days.

Big news

Ok, so it's been a while since I have posted and I probably should have done this sooner because much has happened. Let's begin.

My dad was offered a job at Huntington College in Indiana and has taken that position. This mean that my could no longer work or support my schooling. This led me to look at Huntington becuase of the reduced tuition offered to dependents of faculty. There wass also and outside chance that I would be given reduced tuition here at Bethel.

Well this news made me pretty depressed and I went through that for a while. I wasn't sure what to do, but I didn't want to turn to God. I finally realized that it was possible that He wanted me to transfer so I gave that situiation over and trusted in the process. Just as I was getting ready to look at the campus and take a visit after spring break faculty here and at Huntington were pleading my case with the provost. I just found out that I can stay! The tuition waiver was given to me and now I don't have to transfer!

Prase the Lord! This situation has tested me and I feel so much overflowing love right now!
I love this school and the profs. and my friends and I didn't want to leave. god has given me a great gift of two more years here and I am very grateful. If you are reding this please thank the Lord right now for his work in my life and in your life for whatever He's done.


Just like Abraham had to do with his son. I had to sacrifice this situation and drop my desires and pick up His plan for me.


Hallelujah!
Psalm 98:1-3

Why don't you slip onto something a little more comfortable ....like a coma.

I finished a bit of homework today; Macgamut, alchemy paper, and a little studying for the instrumentation test. Hopefully that test will go pretty well. There's quite a bit to know for the class but maybe I'll be able to remeber what I've learned.

i'm going with the band on tour this week. It'll be fun but I'll also have a lot to catch up on. let's see if i casn do it when my apathy is high. I don't feel like "doing schoolwork" becuase it's nerly spring (and just wait 'till that rolls around).



sorry about how boring and uncohesive this is. I'm tired I think I'll go to bed soon.

I had a strizzoke in my brizzain

So it's been a while since my last post. Some of that is due to me being busy, but could have definetly done a few were it not for laziness. Oh well, on with the post....

I had a great time practicing today. I covered a lot of material and took care of some problems in my music. the best part was, however, the fact that I still feel like I could practice more. I didn't get bored like I usually do!

I have test in Mordern Alchemy tomorrow (actually today because it's past midnight). Hopefully
I'll do well dispite my apparent lack of studying. I think it should be easy.

Lot's to get done before tour. That will throw a nice curve at me since i'll be missing four days of classes.


that's all for now

Ash Wednesday!

Today was ash wednesday; tomorrow is the first day of Lent. I'm not sure what I may give up for Lent but I do want to do something. These religious observances have always seemed to be a great thing if they are done with the right attitude. I want to give something up as a sacrifice to God. I think giving something up that is a big part of your life not only symbolizes that God is the center of your life, but it also makes room in your schedule to do more important things that are honoring to God.
There was a service tonight and Michael Card (yes, THE Michael Card) led it. His music is very powerful and cut deeply into your soul. I was both inspired and impacted. He is a very humble who (and I don't use this term) is annointed. I don't like to use that phrase becuase of my background, but if anyone has ever been annointed that I have met it is him. His words speak truth and convict me. I enjoyed every moment of the service. You really have to pay attention to catch the gravity of his lyrics, but I you do you can be changed.

That's all for today. Other stuff happened but they are nothing compared to what I experineced at the service tonight. I wasn't changed dramatically, but it was definetly impacting nonetheless.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch

Today's rehersal went much better. We started with the second act to make certain we finished it. We actually held together relativley well, considering the low frequency of rehersal opportunities we have had. I really enjoyed myself at certain points and I'm sure the preformance will be a great sucess.....welll, at least the final performance will be.
I had one class today, "Philosophy of Religion", I enjoy the prof. and expect to have a great learning experience there. The books aren't in, which is fine with me, but once we do get them there will be quite a bit of reading to do. I ordered one of them online. Hopefully it will come soon.
I haven't had much time to just relax. I really hope I can take some down time tomorrow; I'm running at full pace and don't know how long I can hold out. Oh well, this is how it is getting back into the routine of the semester, especially the spring semester.

Pack yourself a sack lunch!

Today was the first day of classes. I had three music classes back to back and a chemistry course in the morning. I found each class to be fun and I will enjoy learning all the new things associated with them but there's a lot of work to do. I also just recieved my syllabus by e-mail for my Philosophy of religion course. That is going to require much reading and contemplating; time I'll have to make if I want to mantain my precious GPA. This may be the hardest semester to date but I'm ready for the challenge.

We had rehersal today for Steel Pier from 6:40-11:00 p.m. That rehersal seemed like it would never end. it was necessary for us to do becuase we have many problems that need to be adressed yet synching up the music and text. I saw some things I was not happy with however. I probably would have done the same thing, but Dr. T really showed his frustration and got mad at the orchestra when the problem was all of the cut we had to follow and the fact rehersal was so long. We can't concetrate that long! When a director shows dissapointment all of the musicians tend to shut down. I was trying my best and it was rejected as not good enough. that's something I'll have to work on as a music teacher. You must maintain a positive environment; never take the mistakes of the few out on the whole. Oh well, we are all human and I know Dr. T appreciates our hard work.

Till next time

Approximatley 1 dollar per hour

Tomorrow is the first day of spring classes. I'm ready to start getting into a routine again. It's easier to practice when your day is mapped out for you. It seems the less time I have the more I can make for practicing. My classes should be good, but hopefully I won't do poorly in the classes. It's easy to do poorly in the spring, I just don't feel like working.

We'll it's almost time to go to vespers. I actually feel really good about going becuase I'm not going to try to recieve anything or give anything. I have nothing to give and I can't expect anything if i don't give. I'll simply go and worship God by offering the only thing I do have; Him. He really deserves all glory and honor.

Another Time, Another Place

I tried to give plasma today. Three questions from the needle they asked me if I have ever used growth hormone or gonadotropin. I had to leave and get a note from a doctor who tranferred to West Virginia. I hope I can give eventually. I could use the money and I would like to try the experience.

Doug came to school today. I'm excited that he's here; hopefully he'll find his niche. Maybe it'll include me, maybe not. Either way I gald he's come here.


Time to go to bed. I should use my interim break time more wisely.

why is it "an historic?"

Only one more day of observation. I've had a good time watching teachers, but I'm ready to sleep in for a change. I'm excited to teach. I've enjoyed class; learning classroom management, lesson planning and the like. For my free reading I'm reading "Teaching music through performance in band". It's a great book and valuable resource once I start teaching. I've already learned a lot from it and I've only just begun to read it. It's full of great insights on many aspects of running a band and being a band director.

I've got Steel Pier rehearsal tonight. It's good to play and get experience, but I'm alrerady wating for it to be done. I have so many responsibilities.

This weekend is interim beak and I might do a few things. For the most part, however, I'm just going to relax. Time to do some reflection and contemplating. I have many things to think about. A number of things weigh heavily on my mind, but I won't talk about them here. I probably will not talk about all of them to anyone. I have some personal thoughts to sift through and some focus I need to redirect on God instead of myself. Self-pity is never the answer; it's just another form of selfishness.

2 Samuel 22:33

Wow! God can do incedible things in our lives even when we aren't trying to follow him. He convicted me today and I went to my knees. There I found love and grace. the 2 Samuel passage says that strength and prefection come from God. We don't have to worry! Following God's precepts should actually be an outpouring of our love for God. Stop trying to force perfection on yourself! He supplies the strength and the perfection we need. When we fail it's not the end. God has stepped into my life and has invigorated me spiritually. Scripture is once again fertile with wisdom, not some ancient text that's boring. He put this love in my heart!

I am completely overcome with joy. I want everyone to experience God as I have, and I desire to experinece more. I've been filled to overflowing but am still hungry for more! It's amazing how this can happen.

I know the last few posts have been depressing. I have focused on my shortcomings instead of on the grace of God. I apologize and pray that you won't make the same mistake. Self-pity is just another form of selfishness, a sin we all must guard against.

Stay strong in the Lord!

When Black Friday Comes

I enjoy listening to a wide range of music. My taste really depends on my mood and what day it is. I do, however, usually listen to jazz, but I also like classic rock and classical music. The title for this blog is from a Steely Dan song. You should all listen to it; Steely Dan is a great band.

Moving along, I didn't wake up for observation this morning. I was extremely tired from rehersals last night (I went non-stop from 5:300 until 12:30). I'm not too worried about the consequences, but I enjoy being there and I might have had a chance to do something in one of the classes today. That means I missed an opportunity for growth. Oh well.

I'm really excited to play jazz again. I may be playing with a classmate of mine and a wonderful professor who wants to learn how to play some jazz. He's the epitome of the term life-time-learner. He is still going to classes in between his classes and practicing schedule. On top of that he wants to learn this new style of playing. He's mainly a classically trained pinaist, but he has an open mind that will hopefull help him learn quickly.

Personally, I feel as if my jazz chops have not been improving much. I have made leaps in overall bass playing, especially intonation. However, my soloing is not improving much and my bass lines are the same thing I have played since 10th grade. I'd like to start playing more and hopefully finding that love for playing jazz again. I often get frustrated becuase I've hit a wall and can't seem to break through it. It will happen eventually, but until then I'm extremely frustrated.

What is a salmon jump suit anyway?

Today was a good day of observation. I was able to lead a sectional with the 9th grade trombone players. They were not as bad as I had anticipated but they still don't seem w as if the middle school in the district is doing a good job of training young musicians. I made one horrible error that I realized immediatley. I neglected the trombones that didn't play as well. I tried to adress them ass a group, but it came out as adressing the two better player I think. I tried to tell them the importance of practicing and air and posture but I'm guessing it didn't get through. I remember I didn't care in High School.
I finished my portfolio (at least what I need to do for thins course). It feels good to get it done, especially since it's the last big thing for the course this J term. We are almost done; I can't wait to start my other courses. Yet, it's going to be hard getting back to the old schedule, including doing homework for a number of courses insteadd of one intensive class.

I hope I'm up for the challenge.......

Hoedown at the Landfill Planetarium

Obserivng at Spring Lake Park High in the morning yielded few new insights. After an extended period of time you find that, without guidace, there is only so much you can learn from pure observation. I'm supposed to lead a sectional soon. that should give some good chances to learn new things. Later, I went to class. We presented our papers and talked about the "sabretooth curriculum". Well, I'm pretty busy right now. I just wanted to record somet things . No new reflections today. umm........

The End

Hilarity Insues

I always do things like this. I get into something for a while (often focusing on in especiall the first day) but I eventually forget about it. I tried a xanga weblog once, but forgot about it after 5 posts. I'd rather not do that this time.

Anyway, I always get ina refletive mood when I'm bored. I realize that I'm not living up to my potential and that I have fallen off the beaten path. I'd like to say I'm a Christian, but I'm not sure it's true. I certainly don't read the bible often enough and I'm constantly repeating the same sin patterns. I can't seem to escape for the same pattern and I never serve others, especially those I don't know. My relationship goes in spurts. One day I'll be "on fire for God" then the next day I'll completely ingore Him. I look for a feeling and when I don't get It I quit. Well, there's still this mundane life to live. Maybe I'll get it eventually. I'll get sick of this runaround and hunker down to a life devoted to Christ. But until then I'll just reflect and develop a deeper sense of inner despair (a little dark for you?)
The scary thing to think is that the majority of "Christians" do the same thing but aren't conscious of it. We sit around and parade around as christians, all the time marring the name of the one we say we believe in. Christians should be different than everyone else. Instead we hide within the ranks of our peers never to burst out. Sure, sometime we revert to Gurellia warfare, bu that's not enough. We need world trasformation now.

This is the part where I say "Oh well" and reverty back to my old habits.

Damn it!
Pardon my French

The first day of the rest of your life

So today was decent as far as days go. I wrote a paper on merit-pay and teachers. It took most of the day so I didn't have much free time, but that's ok. I listened to quite a bit of jazz. Right now I'm listening to Branford Marsalis. The CD is great for now, but I'll probably change it soon. I went to a Happy Apple show on Saturday. It was the worst concert I have ever been to. I really don't understand their music. I may someday, but for now it sounds like garbage to me. I find my taste in music is far different from everyone else's (not a bad thing). I suppose that being different is good, as long as it's not for the sake of being different. Like the music you enjoy, don't bend to the will of others. Often I see people like music that is different because they aren't identified with the crowd. I guess we all do that in some aspect. We all want to fit in and belong, but we don't want to belong with the wrong people. Those people we frown upon fom our high tower. Well, enough ranting. I'm done for now.