[No Subject]

I can't decide what to write tonight and since I don't necissarliy write every day there should be no problem. But... I have this desire to write something, anything. I want to write becuase I have so many things going through my head (not all of them depressing and cynical like my last few posts). I want to communicate my confusion and sadness, my understanding and my joy. Somehow, though, I can't put these things into words; I can't really even understand them myself sometimes. yet I still want to write something. Maybe its my longing to communicate; to speak with someone I haven't talked to in a while. Maybe I just want to speak to someone that doesn't have an agenda while I'm speaking to them, causing them to not really listen.
No, these are all true, but the real reason it I'm looking for answers and I can't just think them into existence. I have to hash them out in writing; give my thoughts room to grow. So what am I thinking about? Orchestra Tour expenses, my classes, getting a job after school, family, friends, my quirks, girls, Concerto/Aria contest, my recital, practicing, my nearly broken glasses, art, emotions, movies, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, my car, my bass, roomates, and the list goes on.

Well that helped... a little.. I think

Numb

Numb.... That's the way I feel.



I'm trying to process everything; the new semester, my parents, piano proficiency, friendships, and Women. Instead of coming to some sort of boil I have been left with nothing. Sort of like I have slowed down but time is racng away. Like I just want to sit down. Maybe listen to the sound of silence. And wait for the answers that I know aren't forthcoming.
My life is like a sleeping arm; feels like dead weight and all I can do is wait a while. But I've been waiting for a long time and I'm worried the feeling is not going to come back to this limb...

Continued later in the night......

I never thought it could be possible but I believe I have had the pain of rejection whout being rejected myself. I was really pulling for my friend and expected no problems(this refers to an earlier post). I might be experienceing all of the things associated with this type of pain. distrust of others, depression, withdrawl from relationships, among others. I'm not sure how to handle this; I keep thinking I do but I have no idea (yes Doug, I'm exploring this infinite void). I need an example of someone I can trust (even though this loss of trust is coming vicariously through my friends issues). And to think... I came so close to taking the next step.......

Take that how you will.

It's so confusing

Two of my friends in the past month have been rejected by girls. That scares me. Also, its not like they just asked out of the blue; they were almost certain they were doing the right thing. But then it turned out the girl didn't really feel the way my friend thought she did; in both occasions they were shot down when all signs pointed to yes.

Things like this do not boost my confidence. I have to say that I'm slowly warming up to dating; watching movies like Garden State (like I did tonight) make me want to be in a relationship. I want to know someone well and really care about them. But then fear takes hold. How can I be certain of how a particular girl might feel? No offence meant by this but girls are very deceptive. Why is that? Do you not want to hurt our feelings so you lead us on hoping to delay the ineviable only to make the insuing pain worse? Please be honest.

Events have thrown me into a spin. My parents are giving me a lecture about how I should just pick someone and try it out instead of waiting for a sign that isn't going to appear. My female friends grow closer and simultaneously others grow farther away while I truly don't really "know" any girls at all which only helps foster my aprehension and fear of the opposite sex. I want simple answers where there aren't ones to be had so I'll probably sit here and think more until another semester passes dateless.