I can't dwell in the past.
I can't dwell in the future.
I can't dwell in the present.
I just have to dwell.....
or is it abide?

John 15: 1-17

Annoying nicknames

I am absolutley sick of some of the quick nicknames I've recieved in the past few years. They are, quick (usually unintentional) jabs, but they still hurt and can stick with you. Here are a few:

Champ
Big Guy
Buddy

Those are the "big three" of annoying nickames that I don't think I can handle anymore. Quick example.....

I was playing in a concert and spiffed out in my nice new suit. I was ready to play great (and was hoping to look good for an attractive violinist) when an guy with a camera appears at the back door. The door is locked so, like a nice guy, I open the door for him. He then preceded to say, "thanks, big guy". I don't know why, but these quick nicknames make me so very angry. I am not a large person so I must assume it's a reference to either how slender I am (not likely) or how young I look. This a-hole, in my mind, is saying "thanks, little man who looks younger than me and is therefore less important than I am." He is also saying that "there is no way you are a full grown adult with a career not just a job. You are probably another of these high school students running around today."

This may no annoy you but it is tha biggest insult i can recieve. I lived with "champ" for a summer and I've heard "big guy" and "buddy" many times and I can only be insulted.

Man I'm angry. I am a fully grown man who, while still relativley young, is out in the real world and deserves the respect of a professional. I don't deserve this look down your nose at me s*** and I don't I'll put up with it any longer.

Done (spelling and grammar error included)

Wow, its been over a year since I've written here. I think its about time to write a little bit.
I have a new job teaching orchestra full time and I couldn't be happier about it. The job has plently of room to grow, opportunities to prove my worth as an educator, and a good deal of music department and community support.
However, I had t leave my old home and move to a place where I know no one and start fresh. This is not something I do well. Though I have met a good number of colleagues and aquaintances, I still am basically friendless.

I end up calling my Dad nightly to talk and regularly call old friends to see how they are doing. To make it harder, I have been a part of three weddings this year (two within a month!). Though I love these people and I wish them the best, it does remind me of how alone I feel here. The only reason I'm here is my job and, though that is important, I have a hard time at night. It's been a long time since I've been this alone having gone from home with parents to college to roomates. I now love alone and, basically, have no one to call.

I won't lie. I would love to find a meaningful relationship with a woman. The friends who haven't gotten married are either engaged or headed that way and I have yet to go on a real date. It's a scary position I'm in and I really want to change things, but I don't know how. That siad, I wouldn't mind evena few friends to hang with on the weekends. I need some meaningful contact with people besides teaching and colleage banter.

So here I am. I first year teacher with tons of self-consciousness about a job that is new and another thing to worry about completely. I have no one locally to reassure me or even someone that I can pour myself out to. Besides needing love from others, I need to give love to others and I find is very hard to do in this situation.

Perhaps I'm happy that it's been a while since I've written in this blog. Then no one will read this sad, self indulgent story. But it is nice to vent.