Pressure

Lately I have felt a large amount of pressure to succeed. I feel it from:
1. my parents ("Do well in school, get a good job, and get married")
2. The Music Department ("You did a great job student teaching, now we expect more")
3. My cooperating Teacher ("You need to know the violin better" "You need to use pedagogical language", "You and I were cheated because of the way student teaching is set up")
4. Myself ("Play the Bass amazingly", "Be a great teacher immediately", "Live up to all these expectations")

I think this time in my life is when God has begun to ask me "Who do you live for?" Do I live for the approval and happiness of others, for my own gain, or for God's glory? And I can't just answer that question like I did in high school (because that's the answer I'm supposed to give); I have to really feel it's true. I'm not to that point yet, and I'm nearing a point where I have to choose. Lately I have become very nervous and jittery at night. I start muttering to myself and making repetitive motions to soothe my agitated mind. Frankly, it's really scary. Tonight is the first night I haven't felt this way since Monday this week and I hope its not the last. I know this sounds scary (and I'm scared) but looking at what triggered these moments I find it all traces back to me feeling like a failure. Monday I had my first day without student teaching and it was largely unproductive, as opposed to every day in student teaching where I worked and learned constantly. Tuesday I was again unproductive and also went to music hour where I realized I have no chance of winning the concerto competition (To busy to put in enough work and bass music is flat out not as impressive or musical). And Wednesday night I felt guilty for missing my friend's coeval reading. I didn't really want to go because I'm not good in crowds (My mother has social anxiety disorder and I might too). All of these things point back to not living up to the pressure.

Now I know I must step back and asses the situation. Only God can truly save me from this pressure. The next step is putting my priorities in line with God. Am I living to be the best or am I living to be who God has made me to be? That will relieve the pressure and focus my attention on what truly matters. The Glory of God.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble of heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
The words of Jesus from Matt. 11:28-30

I am a confusing old man

Well, I'm not old yet, but I sure do act like I am. In my eternal search to find out what really appeals to me I have found that I like some of the following things:
1. Flat caps (remember newsies?)
2. Mr. Rogers type cardigans (I wish I could raid my grandfather's closet)
3. The Marx Brothers
4. "My Fair Lady" and other well made musical/movies
5. Enjoying classical music and discouraging music with high decibel levels
And I don't like:
1. Driving at night (my night vision is horrible)
2. People who speed and tailgate (5 over is enough for me)
3. watching sports on television
4. Eating dinner past 6:00 or Lunch past 12:00 ( I should be done by those times)
5. Staying up late; I go to bed at 10:30 (mainly because of student teaching but it is nice)

So there it is. To add to that Dr. Vacco has said I would make a great Grandpa and my friend Doug remind me at least once a week that I am an old man . To be honest, I actually like thinking along the same lines as the older generation. They are pretty smart people and have great style. Though most people don't agree, whenever I see an old man wearing what old men wear (especially the hats) I can't help but admire his style. Well, I suppose I'll find out if anyone agrees with me in the future. Until then I'll keep adding to my collection of old man apparel and other old man items and eccentricities.

A true friend

Here's a few traits I think a true friend might have:

1. spends time with you
2. never insults you (unless it is in joking way)
3. knows things about you besides the surfacy stuff everyone else knows (i.e. I play the Bass)
4. cares about how you are doing (doesn't just say "how's it going" without expecting a real response)
5. Goes to the things you are involved in wether they like it or not.

This last point is the one that really rings true for me lately. None of my roomates came to the big jazz concert tonight. None of my other friends came either unless they were in jazz band or a music major, in which case it fulfills a requirement. I was dissapointed to see that each and every one of them were reluctant to go wether they had a prior engagement or not. I know I don't always go to my friend's events but mainly becuase they don't go to mine. A relationship like this must be give a take. It can't all be one sided.
For instance, I regularly visit my friends and former roomates down the hall. Whenever I come they don't seem pleased to see me and never spend time with me even though I have extended my friendship to them. I simply have to fit into their already scheduled plans (or non-plans) or else I may leave. Also, they have only come to me a couple to times and only when they are the most bored.
I fear that I will leave Bethel with no life long friendships. That really scares me.

Back to the concert.

At the end of a concert people always gather in the lobby to talk etc. It is very rare that I will see a friend to say hello to or chat with after a concert. Today was more of the same. And to top it off I tried to give eye contact to some friends I recognized to say hello but they didn't even wave. I once again walked off and wnt home without talking with a single friend. Sure my bandmates say "great job" afterwards but that is almost required ettiquette and its nice to hear it from a non-musician. It really hurts to see that my enitre list of "friends" can't be bothered to attend an event of something I hold very dear to my heart.

I didn't even get invited to the after concert "party"

Some thoughts on my current position

While studetn teaching I come across a very unique set of realities that I never would have expected. Perhaps I will delve into more later, but for now I'd like to consider my status as a non-student.
Since I spend the majority of my days off-campus, I find that I spend very little time with my peers. In fact, I rarely even see my roomates since I am here for rehersals, food, and sleep. This has, of course, put a serious strain on my relationships which is a painful reality. As I mentioned in a previous post, this stage of my personal development is characterized by a longing for a depth in relationships. Now, since I am not in any sort of romantic relationship, I find the fufillment of that desire completely in friendships. So, at this most crucial of times I find less time for the relationships I crave and even less cooperation from said friends. It has not been unusual for me to extend a hand towards one of my friends and find they are disinterested. They are more often spending time with their friends that are around more, or doing activites they planned while I was gone. This leaves me with most weekends spent alone, searching for something to do and someone to hang out with. Of course, not all the blame rests on my friends shoulders; I have been very busy and, as a result, have become distant.

At times I question putting students in this position. I student teach becuse it is a requirement for the major and also a great learning tool (only way to learn is to get your hands dirty). But perhaps it should be paired with something else or spread out over a longer period of time. At the very least, music majors should not be involved with performing groups. My colleagues go home after their student teaching and prepare for the next day/relax wheras I go from one rehersal to the next until it is 8:00 and I am too tired to accomplish anything. I'm also usually uptight becuse of this schedule which passes on to my friends and roomates, putting a strain on those relationships I so desperatley need.

In the end I will survive through this week, but I don't know what damage it will do to my friendships. Coming back to classes next semester will be a challenge and who knows what kind of person I will be at that time. Business and the cold relaity of the public school teacher's job have forced me to grow up fast. I'm beginning to like hearing the name :"Mr. Myers" and have begun to act more like my parents. I'm not sure if I will even be able to relate with m peers when I return. I just hope I can find some people whom I can truly talk with and know on a deeper level becuase I'm sick of shallow, pointless firendships that only end in dissapointment. The time will come when I'll stop reaching out to build relationships with friends who don't give back and I hope at least some of them reach back.

Teaching Music Through Performance

As most of you know, I am studying to be a music teacher. Well... this semster I am student teaching and have learned quit a bit in just the first 7 weeks (the business related to student teaching is why I haven't posted for a very long time). The thing that has really hit me about music education in general is understanding how to teach music in our schools.

I want to be a music educator, not just a conductor for the school's band or orchestra and prepare for concerts. I truly want to teach music; in part becuase that is the job description. As teacher it is our job to instruct and impart wisdom to our charges. But how do we do that with music? It's simple, we use our medium to help students understand music hands on. We teach them to play and instrument or use their voices to create music themselves and be part of an ensemble becuase that is what professionals in this field do. That is how science, math, and all other subjects work as well. But our work doesn't end with simply playing the instrument, no, it is merely the gateway through which we teach music. It's our version of the science lab where we teach the basics of music like rhythm, pitch, meter, etc. though hands-on activity. As a student continues through their music experience we continue to grow their knowledge of music and start experiencing phrasing, blending, communicating while also teaching life skills like working as a team, perseverance, and woodshedding. This last one is really important since so many kids these days give up if they can't do something right away. We teach them that concetrated effort on difficult theings will yield positive results. In the end we hope that student not only can go on to become professionals in music, they can also go on to become professionals in other fields wiht added skills they developed in the music classroom.

Our music class also serves and an in depth music appreciation class. Today is the day of the ipod, youtube, and other at-your-fingertips technology that allow student to hear music all the time. This both good and bad. Since we hear music so musch it has really become like aural wallpaper to our lives and we no longer listen to the actuall music. In fact a majority of popular music thee days is liked becuse of its simplicity, such as trance music, likely becuase its easy to be used as wallpaper. Music educators have the task of teaching students to listen again; to use their critical ear and to concetrate on music for its own purpose rather than using it for something else. With our help, students should be able to enjoy a night listening to classical music and will be able to critically analyze the performance (which is also an enjoyable acitivty).
One of the purposes, therefore, is to preserve music as an art and concertgoer's activity rather than something to fill up silence.

In summation, the work of the music teacher is not one of rehersals and music making, though those things arre present. It is a job with an ultimate goal of teaching music by using performance as a tool to present material. I must, as a music educator, strive contantly to plan lessons with a musical gola in mind other than to prepare for a concert. The good performance should, and will, be a positive outgrowth of student learning rather than a final goal if we put music EDUCATION first.

Listening for the sake of attention

Ever notice when people don't really care about what you have to say? I'm frankly getting sick speaking to people only to have them come back with something else loosely related or, sometimes, not even related at all. You can tell they don't care enough to really listen. They only care enough to hold your attention long enough so you will listen to them. Of course, I only notice this becuase I was doing the same thing, but that doesn't make it right. We should care about what others are saying and respond appropriatley which might just be with more listening. No one cares to be an ear for others becuase it isn't in their personal interest. We just want a little attention from others to acknowledge that we are worth something.
I'd like to say that I get all of my affirmation from the LORD but I know that's just not true. I'll use others as an object to talk at intsead of really talking with them and engaging in conversation; just like the people that I'm noticing. Perhaps we should all work on doing a little conversation, sharing with others in an equal exchange. Really, that's exactly what good jazz is; a conversation between a group of musicians. One guy might be dominating the conversation but they are all working towards one goal. The expression of life collaboratively arrived at by a group of people who are experiencing it together.

Just my thoughts, now go have a conversation.

Meditation on Green Chimneys

The joint is jumpin'
Horns poppin'
Bass thumpin'
The music moves forward,
taking with it everyone in the room.
Musicians are groovin'
listeners clappin'
drums joinin'
on a a train that moves
passengers to a new place.
Wynton's screamin'
Bandmates yellin'
snare drum snappin'
back in response to what the trumpet says
highs, lows, and everything in between
Conversation brewin'
Saxophone trillin'
the train's a comin'
The whistle blows a hip sound
makes you want to dance.

In The Afterglow

In the afterglow a trumpet speaks,
Giving voice to a mass of people.
Tired, spent from a night of revelry
and excitement, the voice says little;
only memory of the time past.
A time which was full of fire,
Heat
Connection
Jazz
But the memory is faded, nostalgic but new.
Filled with a new promise;
The promise of latenight and romance
and the union which so defines humanity.
Harmon mute shapes the trumpet's tone,
giving it that voice of chill,
Passion
Fusion
Jazz
A trumpet plays "In The Afterglow".

Life in the summer

The summer months have an interesting feel to them. I keep feeling this sense that I am not doing what I need to as the days go by. I remember all of things I promised to accomplish and few of them seem to have happened, and as the days slip away into the fog of the past I realize that the first day of classes looms ahead. it has a death grip on my summer of opportunity and soon all of the oife will be squeezed out of my hopeful frined and I will be left with nothing but a new companion who is less forgiving and never lets me relax.
But I must remember that this is the first summer where I have really been practicing bass (not piano as I should be but at least I'm on the right track). Also, I'm doing a job that has strange hours and cataloging Dr. Self's books which takes up much of my hoped for free time. Well, there's still the string camp and Andrew's cabin to add to my summertime memories, and by the time the school year rools around I'm always ready for it to begin.

Beautiful Scenery

I thought I would post a picture from my trip to Germany and Austria. This shot is from Salzburg and was taken near the fortress. It was an incredible view and helps to remind me that God is still here. I'm too tired right now to add to this so I'll let the picture speak for itself.

a thought

It's late. Bars have made their last call, sending their patrons into the unforgiving night. Places like uptown are filled with a frenzy of activity. Street corners are jammed with people thinking; what next? Parents have gone to bed. Their children, asleep long ago, are unaware of what goes on in the final hours of a day. Man and woman embrace, sharing one of God's most precious gifts. But now that time has passed and as they lie next to each other they pause to think; what next? A young man begins to walk, unable to sleep and needing to clear his head. This time is full of stillness; an intangible force lingering in the air which tells the young man he is entirely alone. His walk brings him past familiar places. Objects that he knows in daylight take on a new charcter in the dark. At times foreboding, his surroundings are also full of this stillness. His mind begins to wander and ponder the greater things in life. He mulls over thoughts of love, happiness, sucess, God, and life in general. Questions are answered with more questions while the night continues to say nothing...except stillness.
He wonders what he will do when school begins again:Will he suceed in his classes? Will his friendships grow? Will he find love in friends, family, and relationships? He also wonders what will happen tomorrow and the next day: Will his job pay well enough for him to repay his debts? Will he continue to keep to a schedule and not waste his time? Will God forgive him for not going to church? Is he even a Christian anymore?
He stops to pray... that same prayer he always says that attmepts to make up for weeks or even months of silence. Many times the young man is like tonight's surroundings; saying nothing except stillness. God calls to him but he ingores. He doesn't know where to begin, what to say, or what to do. All he can think is.... what next?

The positive spin

I thikn one thing I really miss about tour, besides the beautiful landscape and architechture, is the overall positive attitude. Every day seemed like a good day, there were certainly bad points but no sadness could last for long. Back here at home I can barely find a person who is not negative in their speech and actions.
Specifically, my roomate was in a very bad mood becuase he was worried about something (I don't really know what it was about). That negative attitude really placed a heavy burden on me and I could barely stand it. I'm really sick of our daily depression and anxiety that seems to be a prerequisite for college students. I really need some happiness.

A time in Germany

Here is something I wrote in my tour book:
Seeing the amazing arcitechture (sp?) of Germany and Austria was incredible. Some of the cathedrals and fortresses have shown me the incredible creative power that God has given his people. At the same time, I see man's detructive power; WWII destroyed much of the historical arcitecture and, though some has been restored, a large piece of our history has been lost due to violence.
I find it hard to understand and deal with things like destroyed arcitecture and, even more so, the loss of innocent life such as what we saw in Dachau, Walking through the incinerators and the gas chamber and seeing pictures of literal piles of bodies changes a person. Its hard to believe that people whould do something so horrific; did these people deserve their pitiful fate? Where is God in all of this? Is man so depreaved that we cannot do otherwise? Did Hitler feel remorse? Yet I know God is here and working because of a bus that loses its top gear and miraclulously begins to work again after prayer, firends that appreciate me, and the natural beauty of the Alps. It makes me long for an end to our present condition.

A semester in summary

As I look back at this semester in total I see a few recurring ideas that, I think, sum up my year. I think of Jazz, Disc Golf, and Depression (not the clinical kind).

Jazz has been in my life since high school, but never has it played such a prominent role. I have really begun to listen more and really try to understand what these musicians are saying. I love listening to "Live at the House of Tribes" and really grovving to their swing. I makes me really happy to hear a good groove and often I use it as a good pick-me-up when I'm feeling down.
I also began playing Parker's "Yardbird Suite" for my recital and really found a wealth of knowledge contained in it. It has grown my jazz voacbulary and helped me to undestand the harmonic structure of a bop solo (mainly it's helped me get away fro the bass player root bias). Lastly, I have lately been very stressedd out with all of the work and emotional ups and downs I have experienced this year. I have started really using jazz as a stress reliever; there's nothing like really diggin into the strings and laying down a bass line to work out the stress. I'm not sure what I wouould have done without jazz these last few weeks, it has really helped to keep me sane.

Disc golf has also been a big idea for this semster. My friends from home play it all the time and I love to simply play with them so I can spend to time reconnecting. I also like disc golf on its own and have begun wanting to play more often. I am appreciative of the times Doug and I have spent at Acorn just playing the course (I even appreciate that he gives me a hard time). I really see disc golf as a life long sport for me and that is a good thing.

Lastly, and most prominent, I have dealt with a long string of sadness. I don't really have any major problems in my life to speak of that would cause this sadness but I have felt perpetually down nonetheless. I think my problems mainly stem from thinking about relationships. I have never been in a dating relationship before; I matured very late in my high school career so the thought never passed my mind at the time. Now, having no experience, I am unsure of myself and end up handling any prospects in a vey immature fashion. If I have some interest in a girl, I avoid them like the plague. I fear their presence becuase I don't know how to react to the feelings I have. I fear they will find out a reject me so I avoid them so as to not risk it.
I have paryed quite a bit since the beginning of my sophomore year that God would make his will clear for me in this area of my life. I thought that he had recently done this so I pursued the possibility as I could. Of course, my pursuing looked very akward and most likely came across as either apathy or a lack of confidence (which it is). Now, I hear that women like a man with confidence; it shows they can support them and an any family they might raise so its a deisreable quality. So, it goes without saying that my "handling" of the situation probably didn't go well. In the end, I heard that a certian girl was not interested in a relationship and was not interested in me even if she were to want one.

So.....

You can hear my exictement plummet as what was once a state of perennial happiness became utter despondency (fun sentence eh?). I have been sad off and on becuase my I'm always plagued with doubt about my self regarding atractiveness, but that has now become a default sadness that has come across to everyone (Inlcuding Dr. t who noticed I looked tired today). I wanted to blame God for not coming through for me on this year plus prayer request and I wanted to blame the girl in question for being so shallow (she didn't like me becuase I'm akward). But in the end I need to dust myself off and try again. Except I have been without a major level of clarity like I had with this situation for a long time (I felt right about asking this girl out which is a feeling I haven;t had for anyone else all year and only rarely the year before) and I went through this torment (beleive me, pursuing a girl is a mixture of joy and torment the latter being more prevalent) only to be shot down without a chance. It makes me want to say "Life Sucks" or spew out expletives, or be angry at my rootmates for no reason (sorry Nathan). But since the year is mostly over I think I will avoid the subject for a while. If only I could get rid of this sadness.

Sorry for the typos but I don't feel like proffreading this whole thing.
By the way, happy Doug?

....

Well.....
At times it feels like my hands are tied becuase of all the obligations I have. Classes, performance groups, practicum, and everything else have me running at all times and on all cylinders. So it only makes things worse when I have something else I want to pursue. I can't simply relax (a favorite hobby of mine), really play disc golf so that I can improve, or pursue deeper relationships. I think often about surfacy relationships and wanting something more but it feels like I can't have any real relationships, and real conversations becuase I'm so busy. Living for the weekend when all I have is homework instead of homework and other things was never the way I saw myself experiencing Bethel.

Jazz @ Artist's Quarter: a review

Last night I went to the artist's quarter to hear some music. The group was Jim Rotondi and Bill Carrothers along with a couple of local musicians. I expected to be wowed and amazed by Mr. Rotondi, a famous trumpeter from New York. But I wasn't.

I did appreciate his virtuosity and have to acknowledge that he knows the bop vocabulary. However, just becuase you know the words doesn't mean you can converse. Perhaps Mr. Rotondi can hold a "conversation", but he certainly wasn't telling me anything. I only got the impression that he was showing off his technical prowess. I think he allowed his pride to take over, which prevented him from communicating with the other musicians.
They, on the other hand, were really on last night. Gordy Johnson was excellent (I have yet to hear him play poorly) and so was the drummer. I was actually most impressed by the pianist. He was strange, and often hard to follow, but he was saying something. His personality showed with each note and led me to a place I had never been musically. His momentum carried the listener to new and often surprising places, such as "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" as seen by a minimalist in a minor key. I was often left with my mouth hanging open, wondering if what he did was allowed in jazz. But his overpowering presence would overule my objections and make me follow him. I ended up actually laughing at times and found myself loving his crazy juxtapositions (like playing a ballad-like solo over a fast blues tune).
Now this is jazz

The beautifully dreary day

Today was an overcast day, but it might have been the most beautiful day all year. Seeing the lake melting and seeing rain on the ground instead of snow really lifted my spirits. I guess the best part was the memories of Oregon that it brought back. When my family lived in Oregon it seemed to rain almost every day ,but instead of loathing the rain (as my mom did) I loved the clean feeling of a gentle rain and especially the pine smell after the rain had ended.
Today was all of the greatness of a cool, Oregon day after the rain . I suppose if I could live anywhere, not thinking about family or work, I would live in the pacific northwest. I love the fresh trout, gorgeous Cascade Mountains, and the rain. It felt so fresh, as if God was washing away the dirt and making us new; thank God for rain.

Christian "Nice"

While I do appreciate the concern of others when it comes to my self esteem, sometimes I want to hear the truth. This is most apparent in the world of the Bethel Music department. In an attempt to be as Christ-like as possible we have once again misread the words and deeds of our savior. Let me give you an example. I am a music music major which means that my performance on a specific instrument, in this case the Double Bass, is important to my future. However, whenever I look for an honest assesment all I hear is "Great Job". The saddest part is that no matter how badly I have played (and a while back thoroghly provede this hypothesis) I always get the same response. Now, I still maght be able to pay attaention to myself and imporve according to my standards alone, but input is valuable to me. If I would have known that the faculty thought I sounded horrible (hypothetically of course) I would have practiced more; I am encouraged by constructive criticism.
I think the truth is the faculty are afraid of hurting my feelings and therefore end up hurting my career. Also, the end up hurting my feelings indirectly by avoiding me in the halls (yes it has been done!) or not having me play for the NASM recital (I'd like to know the reasoning behind their choices).
Another factor that causes my feelings to be hurt is my personal insecurity. I have only been playing in an orchestra since Freshman year so I am not as secure in my self image as those who have played since age four. I admit I have made tremendous progress and in that area I get a straight answer, but I want to know how GOOD am I? How do I stack up to other bass players my age who are music majors? well that's enough for now. Maybe I'll coax a real answer out of the faculty.

A collaborative poem of Nathan, Andy, and Myself

A single tree, solitary, stands against the cold, hostile wind.
The wind beats savagely upon its scarred and worn trunk.
Yet the mature branches refuse to give way to the breeze.
Her strong base stands as a centurion, guarding nature's last stronghold.
Rains begin to batter against the bark, threataning to scar [her] body.
But she continues to stand defiantly against the cruel [elements].
A tribute and testament to a world which pain and trials cannot destroy.

Changes in []

Courage

Today the Middle Level class I'm in worked with Youth Frontiers, a non-profit group operating in the Twin Cities that teaches middle schoolers important values such as honesty and courage. We spent 5 hours with over 170 7th grade students and tried to instill the value of Courage in them and make a real difference. To begin I was really nervous, I didn't know if I would be cabable of leading a small group or engage with the students (including being wild and crazy). I even began to question if I really wanted to teach students; Do I really care about kids and if not why do I want to teach. however, once they came through the door, to our thunderous applause, I was assured that I had made the right choice. These kids were excited, scared, hyperactive, tired, and confused and this diversity made it all worthwhile. I had the chance to show kids that it didn't matter to me wether the student body thought they were popular. I also was able to show them that being yourself is a cool thing to do.
Today we taught them courage, not in the face of scary animals or heights but in the face of peer pressure, bullying, and following the crowd. I suddenly had this intense urge to get across to these kids that its ok to be yourself. I saw many students in anguish becuase they were so scared of being laughed at. I also saw many other students ready to laugh at others to make themselves feel better. 7th graders need to know, and we do too, that you are not living your life if you give into this kind of fear. You are letting others run your life in your place. I wanted to shake these students from their slumber. You are missing out... on yourselves!!! This is why we need great teachers. Yes, we need to have competent knowledge dispensers, but it much more important to have a group of adults who care so deeply about the future of each individual student that they will stop at nothing to teach them about being real, having courage, being virtuous, having opinions, and being passionate about.... something!!!

Thank you youth frontiers for teaching me about coruage, but more so for showing me why I should be a teacher.

This could make a great article if I wasn't so scatter brained.

SAD

Ever heard of Social Anxiety Disorder? Of course, most people have. Well... I'm begining to think I may have it. I am often uncomfortable in social situations, I avoid parties or large group gatherings (unless faces remain nameless as in Vespers), and I don't enjoy meeting new people. So what does this mean? If I do have it I will, in one sense, be satisfied; I'd like to think that i am this way becuase of a disorder. Also, I have always had this "glamorous" view of mental instability. I suppose that I associate mental problems with genius so I need to have some sort of problem if I ever want to become one. However, I aslo want to be normal; I don't enjoy the way I feel around strangers and I don't enjoy the intense feelings of stress I get in an embarassing or potentialy embarassing situation. I was especially freaked out when once, during Vespers, I has extreme anxiety for no reason. I was unable to give anyone eye contact and had this weird urge to spin in a circle (strange huh?). Well, I suppose it doesn't really matter becuase I can't afford to be diagnosed. That and I don't necissarily agree with naming all human ecentricties as disorders. That doesn't mean I don't believe in ADD or Autism (these problems are completely legitimate); I just think that many people who are diagnosed with depression or SAD doen't really have a full blown problem. Kids especially are being spoon fed drugs to keep them in line when that's the last thing our culture needs. It just seems that we sometimes sacrifice our uniqueness to create order (once again this is not cut and dry).
Well that's enough of a tangent for one night. Hopefully I can get over whatever it is that is plaguing me.

[No Subject]

I can't decide what to write tonight and since I don't necissarliy write every day there should be no problem. But... I have this desire to write something, anything. I want to write becuase I have so many things going through my head (not all of them depressing and cynical like my last few posts). I want to communicate my confusion and sadness, my understanding and my joy. Somehow, though, I can't put these things into words; I can't really even understand them myself sometimes. yet I still want to write something. Maybe its my longing to communicate; to speak with someone I haven't talked to in a while. Maybe I just want to speak to someone that doesn't have an agenda while I'm speaking to them, causing them to not really listen.
No, these are all true, but the real reason it I'm looking for answers and I can't just think them into existence. I have to hash them out in writing; give my thoughts room to grow. So what am I thinking about? Orchestra Tour expenses, my classes, getting a job after school, family, friends, my quirks, girls, Concerto/Aria contest, my recital, practicing, my nearly broken glasses, art, emotions, movies, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, my car, my bass, roomates, and the list goes on.

Well that helped... a little.. I think

Numb

Numb.... That's the way I feel.



I'm trying to process everything; the new semester, my parents, piano proficiency, friendships, and Women. Instead of coming to some sort of boil I have been left with nothing. Sort of like I have slowed down but time is racng away. Like I just want to sit down. Maybe listen to the sound of silence. And wait for the answers that I know aren't forthcoming.
My life is like a sleeping arm; feels like dead weight and all I can do is wait a while. But I've been waiting for a long time and I'm worried the feeling is not going to come back to this limb...

Continued later in the night......

I never thought it could be possible but I believe I have had the pain of rejection whout being rejected myself. I was really pulling for my friend and expected no problems(this refers to an earlier post). I might be experienceing all of the things associated with this type of pain. distrust of others, depression, withdrawl from relationships, among others. I'm not sure how to handle this; I keep thinking I do but I have no idea (yes Doug, I'm exploring this infinite void). I need an example of someone I can trust (even though this loss of trust is coming vicariously through my friends issues). And to think... I came so close to taking the next step.......

Take that how you will.

It's so confusing

Two of my friends in the past month have been rejected by girls. That scares me. Also, its not like they just asked out of the blue; they were almost certain they were doing the right thing. But then it turned out the girl didn't really feel the way my friend thought she did; in both occasions they were shot down when all signs pointed to yes.

Things like this do not boost my confidence. I have to say that I'm slowly warming up to dating; watching movies like Garden State (like I did tonight) make me want to be in a relationship. I want to know someone well and really care about them. But then fear takes hold. How can I be certain of how a particular girl might feel? No offence meant by this but girls are very deceptive. Why is that? Do you not want to hurt our feelings so you lead us on hoping to delay the ineviable only to make the insuing pain worse? Please be honest.

Events have thrown me into a spin. My parents are giving me a lecture about how I should just pick someone and try it out instead of waiting for a sign that isn't going to appear. My female friends grow closer and simultaneously others grow farther away while I truly don't really "know" any girls at all which only helps foster my aprehension and fear of the opposite sex. I want simple answers where there aren't ones to be had so I'll probably sit here and think more until another semester passes dateless.