Pressure

Lately I have felt a large amount of pressure to succeed. I feel it from:
1. my parents ("Do well in school, get a good job, and get married")
2. The Music Department ("You did a great job student teaching, now we expect more")
3. My cooperating Teacher ("You need to know the violin better" "You need to use pedagogical language", "You and I were cheated because of the way student teaching is set up")
4. Myself ("Play the Bass amazingly", "Be a great teacher immediately", "Live up to all these expectations")

I think this time in my life is when God has begun to ask me "Who do you live for?" Do I live for the approval and happiness of others, for my own gain, or for God's glory? And I can't just answer that question like I did in high school (because that's the answer I'm supposed to give); I have to really feel it's true. I'm not to that point yet, and I'm nearing a point where I have to choose. Lately I have become very nervous and jittery at night. I start muttering to myself and making repetitive motions to soothe my agitated mind. Frankly, it's really scary. Tonight is the first night I haven't felt this way since Monday this week and I hope its not the last. I know this sounds scary (and I'm scared) but looking at what triggered these moments I find it all traces back to me feeling like a failure. Monday I had my first day without student teaching and it was largely unproductive, as opposed to every day in student teaching where I worked and learned constantly. Tuesday I was again unproductive and also went to music hour where I realized I have no chance of winning the concerto competition (To busy to put in enough work and bass music is flat out not as impressive or musical). And Wednesday night I felt guilty for missing my friend's coeval reading. I didn't really want to go because I'm not good in crowds (My mother has social anxiety disorder and I might too). All of these things point back to not living up to the pressure.

Now I know I must step back and asses the situation. Only God can truly save me from this pressure. The next step is putting my priorities in line with God. Am I living to be the best or am I living to be who God has made me to be? That will relieve the pressure and focus my attention on what truly matters. The Glory of God.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble of heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
The words of Jesus from Matt. 11:28-30