Friday, August 31, 2007

This is how it goes...


I'd like to put in writing my experiences this summer, but, since I'm tired, I'll do a bullet-point system to outline the major events as I saw them then recap at the end.

  • Begin the summer with one interview: Painting with college pro. It seems to be my only option (and not too bad)
  • Turns out I wasn't meant to paint. I quit (and never got paid!) and spend a few weeks frantically looking for jobs
  • I find "The Cleaning Authority" which offered $10 and hour at full time.
  • Turns out full time meant undetermined amount of time and less money than you hoped for.
  • I still work at "TCA" and spent a good deal of my time trying to find teaching or music jobs to put my degree and passions to use.
  • I applied to Maple Grove and never heard from them.
  • I waited for Minnehaha Academy and it was filled internally
  • I applied to PACT Charter school, interviewed, did a second interview, and didn't get the job
  • I applied to Robbinsdale, knew another applicant who got the job (is she really better than me?)
  • I applied to Hill-Murray school and still haven't heard from them.
  • Still don't have my license so I can't sub.
  • Got a job working nights and weekends at Schmitt Music to fill in the need for money.
  • Turns out to be very unrewarding and uninspiring working for the "Man" of music
That's the jumble of things I think about when I clean (becuase your mind wanders). I am very dissatisfied with my life right now, and regret all of the jobs I didn't get. Now even the news is talking about the first day of school and I'm not in on the action. Instead I clean houses for arrogant, rich people who look down at me without realizing I likely have as much education and more brains than they do. I am throughly unfulfilled becuase my only opportunity to play anymore is for church playing as style of music I despise. I don't have my loan information on order. I don't know if I need to get car insurance and health insurance, and I simply feel like a failure.

I know that this is typical and I shouldn't get down on myself, but it is impossible not to do so. Situations like this cause one to shake their fists and tear their hearts out. We cry out to God Why! and receive no answer. Each application was like a new jolt of hope, and I thought God was simply teaching me patience and he would come through in the end. But those days came and went. Now I'm stuck where I am and I have to simply go on. Each day I must get up simply because life goes on.

I'm done. I'm sick of retyping all of my dyslexic typing errors.

Bye

Thursday, August 16, 2007


At this moment I feel like being dramatic. I would like to write in broad generalizations which would, hopefully, draw sympathy and pity from the few readers I may have (even if they only exist in my head). Yet, I will not take such a tone becuase I truly despise that cut-your-heart-out melodrama and I refuse to add to the steaming pile of refuse that clutters the online blogging community. Instead I will remain level-headed and write with reason and restraint, but still suppressing my inner self-absorption.
I have come to a conclusion after a summer of simple jobs and poverty (not to undermine real poverty stricken people, I still have it pretty good by some standards) that God is using this painful season to draw a line in the sand. Will I join his secret, peaceful, counter-cultural, and revitalizing revolution (thank you Brian McLaren), or will I turn to my own way which is also the way of the world? He is stripping me of money and power which poison the world and drive all of us in our search for the "American Dream", and he is making it possible to either become depressed or turn to the only source of happiness left - Him.
Problem - I don't know if I can turn my back on money and power. It's not something that you can simply decide and then the world will magically get better. I sure wish I could say that and then God would deliver my dream job and financial security to my doorstep. I also wish I could drive pleasure from trusting in God to provide, but its not that simple. Undoing all that is flesh and sin can't be a simple act of rational thought. Only a spiritual transformation can deliver the comfort and joy I need. However, all I feel is a deep despair and anger at the state of my life. Will God drive me to the very brink of darkness, taking away all of my money and power, to drive worldliness away? When is it enough for God? Must I truly lose it all for the sake of the kingdom?

Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.
Matthew 10:39

Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said,
"Never will I leave you;
never will I forsake you."
Hebrews 13:5

"No servant can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money."
Luke 16:13

Thursday, August 09, 2007

A smoking cigarette,
partially digested hamburger,
the utter decay of internal mechanism

A dwindling bank account,
fast approaching deadlines,
the erasure of security and comfort

A clean sink,
dirty uniform,
the loss of dreams, of motivation

Illusions fading,
Jaded eyes begin to focus,
this is real life

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Do You Love Me?


So, this coming week, I am playing the the pit orchestra for a rendition of Fiddler on the Roof. Remembering the musical, I have gone back to scenes from the movie I could find online. The one that hit me today was the song "Do You Love Me?"
I'm not sure why it hit me, but I do know that I felt deeply for the feelings expressed in the words. The realization that Tevye and Golde loved each other after 25 years of marriage and poverty seemed like a beautiful concept to me. I was deeply touched by the happiness they felt upon realizing this and also by the constancy displayed in their relationship. I don't get many opportunities to be covered by waves of emotion, but I cherish them. especially when tied to such a beautiful and noble concept. I suppose I hope to see the same reality in my life someday.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Thoughts on Deep thinking

This is not a new subject for me. I wrote a few poems (if they are good enough to deserve that label) on the reality behind "deep thought". Reading a blog written by one of my friends I am struck by his capacity to use grandiose language and be completely unaware of the pompous way in which his thoughts are delivered. Condescending, hypocritical, and pointless babble were all I found in his "musings".
This type of thought is rampant in the intellectual world that I have gained access to via my recent four year journey into academia. I will continue to be surrounded by these people through teaching and from the very fact that it is in this group that I find myself. Not all of the intellectual crowd suffers from this affliction of the mouth. Some people truly do know what they are talking about and approach these sensitive subjects with an air of humility. I do not claim to be one of these. I know that if I began to approach some of these weighty topics I might seem arrogant. So I usually avoid them; opting to find stimulation through simpler things. What is the point of all of that heavy thinking anyhow? Many people lead pleasant lives without even beginning to ponder the whys and the hows of life. Many people aren't activists; they are just people trying to live. If the problem arises they will think about it then and not before.
Yet, it is good to exercise the mind. But, at this stage in my life, I will opt out and work on the more sensible things like how to get a job, how to teach effectively, and how to spend money. Life requires that we get our heads out of the clouds every one in a while and do what has to be done.
My next goal should probably be to stop hating the people who think deeply in order to impress or use a tone of voice that is overly-confident. They are people too and I should probably just get back to more important things.

They concern me not,
URBwes

Friday, May 18, 2007

Well, it seemed like it would never happen; the end of college and the beginning of real life. It is my task to find a job and make money. I have to use my talents to make it in this world. I was listening to this song on Appalachian Journey called "Hard Times Come Again No More" and, while I suppose my problems are truly minimal in comparison to those of the homeless and starving, I am experiencing my own level of hard times. The song asks for these times to stop; they've been knocking on the door for too long. I feel my problems regarding this life transition have been looming large for a long time with no answer. I'm waiting for some sort of God intervention, but that may not be the way God has planned this time. So I'm hoping for an easy path, but I don't think that is how it will happen. There are too many things attached to "real life" and those stigmas are the hard part. What if I can't find a job? Get married? Buy a house?
What does the future have in store.
Matthew 6:34
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Kinda cheesy, but scripture has the truest answers right now and that is where my guidance lies.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Where pondering should be done

Pondering should be done in quiet.
Where one is solitary;
on a walk, in the dark,
far from the limelight's torridity .

Deep thought must be like a prayer.
It does not seek attention or accolade.
Instead it seeks the inner self;
probes the pitch that others might evade


Discussion should be done among honest folk;
friends who have weathered many a season.
Together they grasp in the dark
hoping to pull a pearl from the briny depths of reason


But beware
discussion with strangers brings fear;
not jumping from cliffs of prior knowledge
into the freedom of the mind's fathomless mere.

With strangers, how one fears the leap
recite old verse and plagarize,
Teaching classics to our naive peers
What pageantry just to prove we're wise!

We have begun showboating,
putting our intellects on display
it's a competition of minds;
a game our hearts were never meant to play.

Stop your talking!

Stop your talking!
I despise your loaded words,
your deep thoughts
and imagined philosopies.

Have not others come before you?
Others more learned, more verbose?
Yet you use discussion for your own gain,
causing your head to swell;
an unholy bastion of philosophic greed.

Your reason is a bitter drink,
I spit it out for it is distasteful.
You have tainted the waters of philosophy,
with your teaching you have spoiled it.

So do not come to me with your heavy thoughts,
Do not begin to lecture me with stolen concepts
The gods of thought stir in utter contempt
As you weave a web of flattery and self promotion.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Discontent with self identity

Who am I?
This is a question I find myself wondering. Often, it is in superficial things: am I a good person? Likable? Attractive? Unique? Talented? Who and what am I? How do others see me? What would they say defines who I am? Do they know much about those things that supposedly define me?

I feel that most people would probably refer to music, playing the bass, and teaching to who I am, but most of them know so little about these things. If that is who I am, then who knows me? I think God sees it in much the same way. We know some of the things that define God: love, justice, grace, mercy, omnipotence, but what do we know about these things? How do we see these things played out in the history of God? How does he view these things? It is knowing these things that define God that we can begin to know God.

Back to my point. Freshman year I had a friend here, Adam, who loved jazz and played well. We would talk about jazz and music and philosophy during lunch, often to the exclusion of others. Yet, that didn't matter because I had a friend who knew me. He understood the things that define me and knew how they played a role in my life. Not only that, he sought to find out more of who I was in those things.
Now, I don't have a friend like that. My friends see jazz and bass and education as foreign. They steer clear of them and the best conversations I have are about the weather or homework (the college version of the weather in conversation). Now, I know that I do the same to my friends, but it is becuase I don't know much about their things. Maybe I should seek out their defining characteristics. or maybe I should find new friends. I just don't see that happening. I do love my friends; they try to connect even though it doesn't succeed. Once again, with no clear cut answer, I go to bed. Perhaps I'll actually fall asleep quickly this time.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

The imbalance of life, or less respect for the foundational roles etc.

I have realized, once again, that life is not fair. I suppose I have deluded myself to think otherwise, or I have imagined a glorious future full of happy days and adoration. Being a senior, I have put in lots of work to get where I am. I have been in the process of becoming a teacher and a proficient musician; not an easy task. I took it upon myself to prove that I too was a legitimate musician even though I chose a route that more securely finds a job. Yes, I don't practice as much, but I have done what I can without causing insanity. I have even fought the odds by working with shoddy equipment and starting my instrument in high school. What has it gotten me? Lots of "wow, you have improved" and happy professors. I sure have done a good job helping them by getting good grades, playing in the less than admirable jazz program(not even being allowed to solo when I'm the only who knows the first thing about it and wants the practice to improve), and basically proving that they can teach. In the end, however, I get very little recognition. It is the nature of my status as bass player (I believe) that keeps me from attaining prestige (sounds selfish doesn't it?). I struggle trying to reconcile my desire for recognition and fame with my desire to do away with an attitude I know is wrong. But how can you blame me. Most people do get recognized pretty heavily for the work I am putting in.
Being in a support role, i.e. playing bass, means that you do a job that is neither flashy nor inherently difficult. IN all honesty, the bass parts I play are not as hard as the other parts played by orchestra members. This is for two reasons: The instrument is harder to play fast because of the thickness of strings and size of the instrument and the support role needs to be simple to prevent chaos. If the bass was doing scalar runs all over the place, music would sound horrible; our job is to show people where the tonality lies and to keep the rhythm going. Now, I have set myself to giving a better name to my instrument, there as bassists out there doing incredible things, but most people are ignorant of this fact. So I, partly because of the simplicity of regular parts and partly for the cause of bass playing, want to play good solo repertoire. I have done that, however, without flawless intonation and quality equipment (remember the shoddy stuff I mentioned before) most people will be less than impressed. So, not matter what I do, I can't win.
I can't win a competition because there is just no great repertoire for the bass, I can't impress because my situation is hopelessly unimpressive, and I can't be recognized individually because I'm too busy providing the foundation for others to be flashy over.
Now, just in case you thought I was going to have a pity party, I want to include all of you who get passed over for those who look a little better in the spotlight.
It's same everywhere: Those linemen who help a quarterback from being sacked, the chorus singers who support the operatic tenors in their glory, and the friends who support others only to be used as an ear then ignored. We get passed up because we chose a role that we think is important. We like the idea of being the glue that holds things together or the foundation upon which others build. Yet, like anyone, we want a little recognition every once in a while, and if you haven't gotten any in a while, like me, it builds up until a little praise won't really do it. One complement like "you have really improved" doesn't do justice for the years of loyal, unappreciated service you have given. So I feel right when I am upset that I haven't gotten praise or respect (i hope you agree). It is my wish that people will begin to recognize the support role players and things will change, but don't expect it.
I just want to get out of here. Maybe a change of location will yield some more positive results.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Edgar, Bela, and mike sliding down

Wow, a very enjoyable song with Edgar Meyer, Bela Fleck, and Mike Marshall.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

White Privilege

I find it hard to come to grips with the fact that my 4 year old niece already has developed some stereotypes. She, living with my very conservative brother-in-law and my equally conservative sister, has probably already encountered stereotypes from them. Ideas that illegal immigrants are undesirable people stealing away our jobs, that poor people are scary and dangerous, and the myriad of stereotypes about other cultures. She probably has even begun to equate whiteness with value. I'd like to say that these things are not true, but I saw it even as I visited this Christmas. She has no friends to speak of who are from other races and she has all of the privilege that goes along with white middle class life. On top of that, her dad likely has passed on the idea that everyone can pull themselves up "by their bootstraps"; not a bad idea in itself but far from the harsh reality of inequality.
She undoubtedly already has gender stereotypes as well. She loves to watch Disney movies, which are full of gender stereotypes and she values "looking pretty". Even as I visited I saw her parade around and "strut her stuff" as best a 4 year old can do. It pains me to see her affected by the constant sexualization of our children. I worry about her future; will she be taught from a multicultural perspective in school? Will she come to tolerate and eventually move on to accepting and even cherishing those whose cultures are often belittled in this country? It reminds me that I owe it to the children I teach to show them that America is not just for the white man, and that history is not dominated by his influence. would I want any less for my niece? I worry because, by age 9, she will have developed a full set of ideas about the world. Will she be one of her generation who works for change? Or will she resist making America into what it has always claimed to be?

Monday, January 08, 2007

A Vespers Realization

If anyone still reads this blog I may get some varied reactions. Please think about what I have to say as objectively as possible before jumping to conclusions.

Taking the education course Understanding Diversity has really opened my eyes to the reality of racism today. Though we no longer have segregation in the schools or other areas of public life we still have institutionalized racism that serves to devalue the culture of others and even devalue them as people. When schools teach history strictly from the European vantage point they promote racism. When people tell coarse jokes about race they perpetuate stereotypes which promote racism. When white men hold privileges that others don't they promote racism. I personally help the cause of racism when I start from a position of fear when in contact with people of other races.
This may not be unbelievable to most, and this is not the main thrust of my entry. What is thought provoking is the thing I realized during Vespers tonight:
"Our current way of doing worship at Bethel is racist"

Worship at Bethel is comprised of Contemporary Christian Music (CCM) and hymns, and hymns are fairly rare. Part of the reasoning behind this is the fact that the large majority of Bethel students are upper-middle class white people. We grew up with CCM and are comfortable with its sound and style. However, we do have a minority of students who don't have this background and we, in essence, force them to adapt to our musical tastes because we are the majority; we expect them to become white and middle class in the area of worship.
Now, for the most part, I have no problem with catering to the majority if the minority sees no problem adapting to this reality. However, I take issue with the spirit of superiority in which it is done. I have heard from those in leadership positions for Vespers (I am one) and Chapel that hey refuse to attempt music from other church traditions. Why?
Because they aren't familiar with the music.
This is legitimate, but isn't it worth it to learn a musical style if you can benefit from it? Gospel music is much more celebratory than nay of the music we have in our repertoire, and its repetitive nature offers a chance for meditation in a joyous and communal light rather than our introspective and often depressing mantras.
This is "our music"
What about "their music"? How would you feel if you moved from a church with one worship style and then cam to a place where you were forced to worship in a completely different style. On top of that, you get a feeling that, if you can't worship to it, you don't belong to the community and most likely have a personal problem.
Our music is better.
Though not stated outright, we have a mentality that this music is superior to other music. I have heard that it is the most progressive, the freshest, the most powerful, and the music that speaks to us the best. This position is the most hateful of all. It says that other musical styles are stale, weak, and cannot connect with our generation. Now, if we limit ourselves to one particular genre like this we are missing out on more that we can imagine. Hymns alone are packed with the truth of scripture that we can't hope to find in CCM.

We as a student body need to move past viewing worship as a personalized session for introspection and begin to see it as a community gathering where all people and traditions are represented. Even if a particular culture is not present we should consider attempting to worship in their style because each heritage is full of lessons every Christian should learn. Why limit ourselves to one genre when we can pick and choose based of what music is right for the purposes of honoring and exalting God? I'm not saying each service must be diverse or that we should make everything equal, but starting to add music from other cultures can move us from a place that promotes bigotry and racism to a place that embraces all people and cultures. Otherwise we will end up the same way our grandparents have become with hymns.
I'm certain that there are those who could better articulate this problem, but since they are not doing so (or have resigned out of frustration) I will attempt to call attention to this blind spot in our Christian worship.

Goodnight,
Wes

Friday, January 05, 2007

Don Ross - Never got to Pernambuco - www.candyrat.com

Every Once in a while you find a musician who blows your mind. This is one of them.