A semester in summary

As I look back at this semester in total I see a few recurring ideas that, I think, sum up my year. I think of Jazz, Disc Golf, and Depression (not the clinical kind).

Jazz has been in my life since high school, but never has it played such a prominent role. I have really begun to listen more and really try to understand what these musicians are saying. I love listening to "Live at the House of Tribes" and really grovving to their swing. I makes me really happy to hear a good groove and often I use it as a good pick-me-up when I'm feeling down.
I also began playing Parker's "Yardbird Suite" for my recital and really found a wealth of knowledge contained in it. It has grown my jazz voacbulary and helped me to undestand the harmonic structure of a bop solo (mainly it's helped me get away fro the bass player root bias). Lastly, I have lately been very stressedd out with all of the work and emotional ups and downs I have experienced this year. I have started really using jazz as a stress reliever; there's nothing like really diggin into the strings and laying down a bass line to work out the stress. I'm not sure what I wouould have done without jazz these last few weeks, it has really helped to keep me sane.

Disc golf has also been a big idea for this semster. My friends from home play it all the time and I love to simply play with them so I can spend to time reconnecting. I also like disc golf on its own and have begun wanting to play more often. I am appreciative of the times Doug and I have spent at Acorn just playing the course (I even appreciate that he gives me a hard time). I really see disc golf as a life long sport for me and that is a good thing.

Lastly, and most prominent, I have dealt with a long string of sadness. I don't really have any major problems in my life to speak of that would cause this sadness but I have felt perpetually down nonetheless. I think my problems mainly stem from thinking about relationships. I have never been in a dating relationship before; I matured very late in my high school career so the thought never passed my mind at the time. Now, having no experience, I am unsure of myself and end up handling any prospects in a vey immature fashion. If I have some interest in a girl, I avoid them like the plague. I fear their presence becuase I don't know how to react to the feelings I have. I fear they will find out a reject me so I avoid them so as to not risk it.
I have paryed quite a bit since the beginning of my sophomore year that God would make his will clear for me in this area of my life. I thought that he had recently done this so I pursued the possibility as I could. Of course, my pursuing looked very akward and most likely came across as either apathy or a lack of confidence (which it is). Now, I hear that women like a man with confidence; it shows they can support them and an any family they might raise so its a deisreable quality. So, it goes without saying that my "handling" of the situation probably didn't go well. In the end, I heard that a certian girl was not interested in a relationship and was not interested in me even if she were to want one.

So.....

You can hear my exictement plummet as what was once a state of perennial happiness became utter despondency (fun sentence eh?). I have been sad off and on becuase my I'm always plagued with doubt about my self regarding atractiveness, but that has now become a default sadness that has come across to everyone (Inlcuding Dr. t who noticed I looked tired today). I wanted to blame God for not coming through for me on this year plus prayer request and I wanted to blame the girl in question for being so shallow (she didn't like me becuase I'm akward). But in the end I need to dust myself off and try again. Except I have been without a major level of clarity like I had with this situation for a long time (I felt right about asking this girl out which is a feeling I haven;t had for anyone else all year and only rarely the year before) and I went through this torment (beleive me, pursuing a girl is a mixture of joy and torment the latter being more prevalent) only to be shot down without a chance. It makes me want to say "Life Sucks" or spew out expletives, or be angry at my rootmates for no reason (sorry Nathan). But since the year is mostly over I think I will avoid the subject for a while. If only I could get rid of this sadness.

Sorry for the typos but I don't feel like proffreading this whole thing.
By the way, happy Doug?