Well, it seemed like it would never happen; the end of college and the beginning of real life. It is my task to find a job and make money. I have to use my talents to make it in this world. I was listening to this song on Appalachian Journey called "Hard Times Come Again No More" and, while I suppose my problems are truly minimal in comparison to those of the homeless and starving, I am experiencing my own level of hard times. The song asks for these times to stop; they've been knocking on the door for too long. I feel my problems regarding this life transition have been looming large for a long time with no answer. I'm waiting for some sort of God intervention, but that may not be the way God has planned this time. So I'm hoping for an easy path, but I don't think that is how it will happen. There are too many things attached to "real life" and those stigmas are the hard part. What if I can't find a job? Get married? Buy a house?
What does the future have in store.
Matthew 6:34
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Kinda cheesy, but scripture has the truest answers right now and that is where my guidance lies.
Friday, May 18, 2007
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Where pondering should be done
Pondering should be done in quiet.
Where one is solitary;
on a walk, in the dark,
far from the limelight's torridity .
Deep thought must be like a prayer.
It does not seek attention or accolade.
Instead it seeks the inner self;
probes the pitch that others might evade
Discussion should be done among honest folk;
friends who have weathered many a season.
Together they grasp in the dark
hoping to pull a pearl from the briny depths of reason
But beware
discussion with strangers brings fear;
not jumping from cliffs of prior knowledge
into the freedom of the mind's fathomless mere.
With strangers, how one fears the leap
recite old verse and plagarize,
Teaching classics to our naive peers
What pageantry just to prove we're wise!
We have begun showboating,
putting our intellects on display
it's a competition of minds;
a game our hearts were never meant to play.
Where one is solitary;
on a walk, in the dark,
far from the limelight's torridity .
Deep thought must be like a prayer.
It does not seek attention or accolade.
Instead it seeks the inner self;
probes the pitch that others might evade
Discussion should be done among honest folk;
friends who have weathered many a season.
Together they grasp in the dark
hoping to pull a pearl from the briny depths of reason
But beware
discussion with strangers brings fear;
not jumping from cliffs of prior knowledge
into the freedom of the mind's fathomless mere.
With strangers, how one fears the leap
recite old verse and plagarize,
Teaching classics to our naive peers
What pageantry just to prove we're wise!
We have begun showboating,
putting our intellects on display
it's a competition of minds;
a game our hearts were never meant to play.
Stop your talking!
Stop your talking!
I despise your loaded words,
your deep thoughts
and imagined philosopies.
Have not others come before you?
Others more learned, more verbose?
Yet you use discussion for your own gain,
causing your head to swell;
an unholy bastion of philosophic greed.
Your reason is a bitter drink,
I spit it out for it is distasteful.
You have tainted the waters of philosophy,
with your teaching you have spoiled it.
So do not come to me with your heavy thoughts,
Do not begin to lecture me with stolen concepts
The gods of thought stir in utter contempt
As you weave a web of flattery and self promotion.
I despise your loaded words,
your deep thoughts
and imagined philosopies.
Have not others come before you?
Others more learned, more verbose?
Yet you use discussion for your own gain,
causing your head to swell;
an unholy bastion of philosophic greed.
Your reason is a bitter drink,
I spit it out for it is distasteful.
You have tainted the waters of philosophy,
with your teaching you have spoiled it.
So do not come to me with your heavy thoughts,
Do not begin to lecture me with stolen concepts
The gods of thought stir in utter contempt
As you weave a web of flattery and self promotion.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Discontent with self identity
Who am I?
This is a question I find myself wondering. Often, it is in superficial things: am I a good person? Likable? Attractive? Unique? Talented? Who and what am I? How do others see me? What would they say defines who I am? Do they know much about those things that supposedly define me?
I feel that most people would probably refer to music, playing the bass, and teaching to who I am, but most of them know so little about these things. If that is who I am, then who knows me? I think God sees it in much the same way. We know some of the things that define God: love, justice, grace, mercy, omnipotence, but what do we know about these things? How do we see these things played out in the history of God? How does he view these things? It is knowing these things that define God that we can begin to know God.
Back to my point. Freshman year I had a friend here, Adam, who loved jazz and played well. We would talk about jazz and music and philosophy during lunch, often to the exclusion of others. Yet, that didn't matter because I had a friend who knew me. He understood the things that define me and knew how they played a role in my life. Not only that, he sought to find out more of who I was in those things.
Now, I don't have a friend like that. My friends see jazz and bass and education as foreign. They steer clear of them and the best conversations I have are about the weather or homework (the college version of the weather in conversation). Now, I know that I do the same to my friends, but it is becuase I don't know much about their things. Maybe I should seek out their defining characteristics. or maybe I should find new friends. I just don't see that happening. I do love my friends; they try to connect even though it doesn't succeed. Once again, with no clear cut answer, I go to bed. Perhaps I'll actually fall asleep quickly this time.
This is a question I find myself wondering. Often, it is in superficial things: am I a good person? Likable? Attractive? Unique? Talented? Who and what am I? How do others see me? What would they say defines who I am? Do they know much about those things that supposedly define me?
I feel that most people would probably refer to music, playing the bass, and teaching to who I am, but most of them know so little about these things. If that is who I am, then who knows me? I think God sees it in much the same way. We know some of the things that define God: love, justice, grace, mercy, omnipotence, but what do we know about these things? How do we see these things played out in the history of God? How does he view these things? It is knowing these things that define God that we can begin to know God.
Back to my point. Freshman year I had a friend here, Adam, who loved jazz and played well. We would talk about jazz and music and philosophy during lunch, often to the exclusion of others. Yet, that didn't matter because I had a friend who knew me. He understood the things that define me and knew how they played a role in my life. Not only that, he sought to find out more of who I was in those things.
Now, I don't have a friend like that. My friends see jazz and bass and education as foreign. They steer clear of them and the best conversations I have are about the weather or homework (the college version of the weather in conversation). Now, I know that I do the same to my friends, but it is becuase I don't know much about their things. Maybe I should seek out their defining characteristics. or maybe I should find new friends. I just don't see that happening. I do love my friends; they try to connect even though it doesn't succeed. Once again, with no clear cut answer, I go to bed. Perhaps I'll actually fall asleep quickly this time.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
The imbalance of life, or less respect for the foundational roles etc.
I have realized, once again, that life is not fair. I suppose I have deluded myself to think otherwise, or I have imagined a glorious future full of happy days and adoration. Being a senior, I have put in lots of work to get where I am. I have been in the process of becoming a teacher and a proficient musician; not an easy task. I took it upon myself to prove that I too was a legitimate musician even though I chose a route that more securely finds a job. Yes, I don't practice as much, but I have done what I can without causing insanity. I have even fought the odds by working with shoddy equipment and starting my instrument in high school. What has it gotten me? Lots of "wow, you have improved" and happy professors. I sure have done a good job helping them by getting good grades, playing in the less than admirable jazz program(not even being allowed to solo when I'm the only who knows the first thing about it and wants the practice to improve), and basically proving that they can teach. In the end, however, I get very little recognition. It is the nature of my status as bass player (I believe) that keeps me from attaining prestige (sounds selfish doesn't it?). I struggle trying to reconcile my desire for recognition and fame with my desire to do away with an attitude I know is wrong. But how can you blame me. Most people do get recognized pretty heavily for the work I am putting in.
Being in a support role, i.e. playing bass, means that you do a job that is neither flashy nor inherently difficult. IN all honesty, the bass parts I play are not as hard as the other parts played by orchestra members. This is for two reasons: The instrument is harder to play fast because of the thickness of strings and size of the instrument and the support role needs to be simple to prevent chaos. If the bass was doing scalar runs all over the place, music would sound horrible; our job is to show people where the tonality lies and to keep the rhythm going. Now, I have set myself to giving a better name to my instrument, there as bassists out there doing incredible things, but most people are ignorant of this fact. So I, partly because of the simplicity of regular parts and partly for the cause of bass playing, want to play good solo repertoire. I have done that, however, without flawless intonation and quality equipment (remember the shoddy stuff I mentioned before) most people will be less than impressed. So, not matter what I do, I can't win.
I can't win a competition because there is just no great repertoire for the bass, I can't impress because my situation is hopelessly unimpressive, and I can't be recognized individually because I'm too busy providing the foundation for others to be flashy over.
Now, just in case you thought I was going to have a pity party, I want to include all of you who get passed over for those who look a little better in the spotlight.
It's same everywhere: Those linemen who help a quarterback from being sacked, the chorus singers who support the operatic tenors in their glory, and the friends who support others only to be used as an ear then ignored. We get passed up because we chose a role that we think is important. We like the idea of being the glue that holds things together or the foundation upon which others build. Yet, like anyone, we want a little recognition every once in a while, and if you haven't gotten any in a while, like me, it builds up until a little praise won't really do it. One complement like "you have really improved" doesn't do justice for the years of loyal, unappreciated service you have given. So I feel right when I am upset that I haven't gotten praise or respect (i hope you agree). It is my wish that people will begin to recognize the support role players and things will change, but don't expect it.
I just want to get out of here. Maybe a change of location will yield some more positive results.
Being in a support role, i.e. playing bass, means that you do a job that is neither flashy nor inherently difficult. IN all honesty, the bass parts I play are not as hard as the other parts played by orchestra members. This is for two reasons: The instrument is harder to play fast because of the thickness of strings and size of the instrument and the support role needs to be simple to prevent chaos. If the bass was doing scalar runs all over the place, music would sound horrible; our job is to show people where the tonality lies and to keep the rhythm going. Now, I have set myself to giving a better name to my instrument, there as bassists out there doing incredible things, but most people are ignorant of this fact. So I, partly because of the simplicity of regular parts and partly for the cause of bass playing, want to play good solo repertoire. I have done that, however, without flawless intonation and quality equipment (remember the shoddy stuff I mentioned before) most people will be less than impressed. So, not matter what I do, I can't win.
I can't win a competition because there is just no great repertoire for the bass, I can't impress because my situation is hopelessly unimpressive, and I can't be recognized individually because I'm too busy providing the foundation for others to be flashy over.
Now, just in case you thought I was going to have a pity party, I want to include all of you who get passed over for those who look a little better in the spotlight.
It's same everywhere: Those linemen who help a quarterback from being sacked, the chorus singers who support the operatic tenors in their glory, and the friends who support others only to be used as an ear then ignored. We get passed up because we chose a role that we think is important. We like the idea of being the glue that holds things together or the foundation upon which others build. Yet, like anyone, we want a little recognition every once in a while, and if you haven't gotten any in a while, like me, it builds up until a little praise won't really do it. One complement like "you have really improved" doesn't do justice for the years of loyal, unappreciated service you have given. So I feel right when I am upset that I haven't gotten praise or respect (i hope you agree). It is my wish that people will begin to recognize the support role players and things will change, but don't expect it.
I just want to get out of here. Maybe a change of location will yield some more positive results.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Edgar, Bela, and mike sliding down
Wow, a very enjoyable song with Edgar Meyer, Bela Fleck, and Mike Marshall.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
White Privilege
I find it hard to come to grips with the fact that my 4 year old niece already has developed some stereotypes. She, living with my very conservative brother-in-law and my equally conservative sister, has probably already encountered stereotypes from them. Ideas that illegal immigrants are undesirable people stealing away our jobs, that poor people are scary and dangerous, and the myriad of stereotypes about other cultures. She probably has even begun to equate whiteness with value. I'd like to say that these things are not true, but I saw it even as I visited this Christmas. She has no friends to speak of who are from other races and she has all of the privilege that goes along with white middle class life. On top of that, her dad likely has passed on the idea that everyone can pull themselves up "by their bootstraps"; not a bad idea in itself but far from the harsh reality of inequality.She undoubtedly already has gender stereotypes as well. She loves to watch Disney movies, which are full of gender stereotypes and she values "looking pretty". Even as I visited I saw her parade around and "strut her stuff" as best a 4 year old can do. It pains me to see her affected by the constant sexualization of our children. I worry about her future; will she be taught from a multicultural perspective in school? Will she come to tolerate and eventually move on to accepting and even cherishing those whose cultures are often belittled in this country? It reminds me that I owe it to the children I teach to show them that America is not just for the white man, and that history is not dominated by his influence. would I want any less for my niece? I worry because, by age 9, she will have developed a full set of ideas about the world. Will she be one of her generation who works for change? Or will she resist making America into what it has always claimed to be?
Monday, January 08, 2007
A Vespers Realization
If anyone still reads this blog I may get some varied reactions. Please think about what I have to say as objectively as possible before jumping to conclusions.
Taking the education course Understanding Diversity has really opened my eyes to the reality of racism today. Though we no longer have segregation in the schools or other areas of public life we still have institutionalized racism that serves to devalue the culture of others and even devalue them as people. When schools teach history strictly from the European vantage point they promote racism. When people tell coarse jokes about race they perpetuate stereotypes which promote racism. When white men hold privileges that others don't they promote racism. I personally help the cause of racism when I start from a position of fear when in contact with people of other races.
This may not be unbelievable to most, and this is not the main thrust of my entry. What is thought provoking is the thing I realized during Vespers tonight:
"Our current way of doing worship at Bethel is racist"
Worship at Bethel is comprised of Contemporary Christian Music (CCM) and hymns, and hymns are fairly rare. Part of the reasoning behind this is the fact that the large majority of Bethel students are upper-middle class white people. We grew up with CCM and are comfortable with its sound and style. However, we do have a minority of students who don't have this background and we, in essence, force them to adapt to our musical tastes because we are the majority; we expect them to become white and middle class in the area of worship.
Now, for the most part, I have no problem with catering to the majority if the minority sees no problem adapting to this reality. However, I take issue with the spirit of superiority in which it is done. I have heard from those in leadership positions for Vespers (I am one) and Chapel that hey refuse to attempt music from other church traditions. Why?
Because they aren't familiar with the music.
This is legitimate, but isn't it worth it to learn a musical style if you can benefit from it? Gospel music is much more celebratory than nay of the music we have in our repertoire, and its repetitive nature offers a chance for meditation in a joyous and communal light rather than our introspective and often depressing mantras.
This is "our music"
What about "their music"? How would you feel if you moved from a church with one worship style and then cam to a place where you were forced to worship in a completely different style. On top of that, you get a feeling that, if you can't worship to it, you don't belong to the community and most likely have a personal problem.
Our music is better.
Though not stated outright, we have a mentality that this music is superior to other music. I have heard that it is the most progressive, the freshest, the most powerful, and the music that speaks to us the best. This position is the most hateful of all. It says that other musical styles are stale, weak, and cannot connect with our generation. Now, if we limit ourselves to one particular genre like this we are missing out on more that we can imagine. Hymns alone are packed with the truth of scripture that we can't hope to find in CCM.
We as a student body need to move past viewing worship as a personalized session for introspection and begin to see it as a community gathering where all people and traditions are represented. Even if a particular culture is not present we should consider attempting to worship in their style because each heritage is full of lessons every Christian should learn. Why limit ourselves to one genre when we can pick and choose based of what music is right for the purposes of honoring and exalting God? I'm not saying each service must be diverse or that we should make everything equal, but starting to add music from other cultures can move us from a place that promotes bigotry and racism to a place that embraces all people and cultures. Otherwise we will end up the same way our grandparents have become with hymns.
I'm certain that there are those who could better articulate this problem, but since they are not doing so (or have resigned out of frustration) I will attempt to call attention to this blind spot in our Christian worship.
Goodnight,
Wes
Taking the education course Understanding Diversity has really opened my eyes to the reality of racism today. Though we no longer have segregation in the schools or other areas of public life we still have institutionalized racism that serves to devalue the culture of others and even devalue them as people. When schools teach history strictly from the European vantage point they promote racism. When people tell coarse jokes about race they perpetuate stereotypes which promote racism. When white men hold privileges that others don't they promote racism. I personally help the cause of racism when I start from a position of fear when in contact with people of other races.
This may not be unbelievable to most, and this is not the main thrust of my entry. What is thought provoking is the thing I realized during Vespers tonight:
"Our current way of doing worship at Bethel is racist"
Worship at Bethel is comprised of Contemporary Christian Music (CCM) and hymns, and hymns are fairly rare. Part of the reasoning behind this is the fact that the large majority of Bethel students are upper-middle class white people. We grew up with CCM and are comfortable with its sound and style. However, we do have a minority of students who don't have this background and we, in essence, force them to adapt to our musical tastes because we are the majority; we expect them to become white and middle class in the area of worship.
Now, for the most part, I have no problem with catering to the majority if the minority sees no problem adapting to this reality. However, I take issue with the spirit of superiority in which it is done. I have heard from those in leadership positions for Vespers (I am one) and Chapel that hey refuse to attempt music from other church traditions. Why?
Because they aren't familiar with the music.
This is legitimate, but isn't it worth it to learn a musical style if you can benefit from it? Gospel music is much more celebratory than nay of the music we have in our repertoire, and its repetitive nature offers a chance for meditation in a joyous and communal light rather than our introspective and often depressing mantras.
This is "our music"
What about "their music"? How would you feel if you moved from a church with one worship style and then cam to a place where you were forced to worship in a completely different style. On top of that, you get a feeling that, if you can't worship to it, you don't belong to the community and most likely have a personal problem.
Our music is better.
Though not stated outright, we have a mentality that this music is superior to other music. I have heard that it is the most progressive, the freshest, the most powerful, and the music that speaks to us the best. This position is the most hateful of all. It says that other musical styles are stale, weak, and cannot connect with our generation. Now, if we limit ourselves to one particular genre like this we are missing out on more that we can imagine. Hymns alone are packed with the truth of scripture that we can't hope to find in CCM.
We as a student body need to move past viewing worship as a personalized session for introspection and begin to see it as a community gathering where all people and traditions are represented. Even if a particular culture is not present we should consider attempting to worship in their style because each heritage is full of lessons every Christian should learn. Why limit ourselves to one genre when we can pick and choose based of what music is right for the purposes of honoring and exalting God? I'm not saying each service must be diverse or that we should make everything equal, but starting to add music from other cultures can move us from a place that promotes bigotry and racism to a place that embraces all people and cultures. Otherwise we will end up the same way our grandparents have become with hymns.
I'm certain that there are those who could better articulate this problem, but since they are not doing so (or have resigned out of frustration) I will attempt to call attention to this blind spot in our Christian worship.
Goodnight,
Wes
Friday, January 05, 2007
Don Ross - Never got to Pernambuco - www.candyrat.com
Every Once in a while you find a musician who blows your mind. This is one of them.
Friday, December 15, 2006
Pressure
Lately I have felt a large amount of pressure to succeed. I feel it from:
1. my parents ("Do well in school, get a good job, and get married")
2. The Music Department ("You did a great job student teaching, now we expect more")
3. My cooperating Teacher ("You need to know the violin better" "You need to use pedagogical language", "You and I were cheated because of the way student teaching is set up")
4. Myself ("Play the Bass amazingly", "Be a great teacher immediately", "Live up to all these expectations")
I think this time in my life is when God has begun to ask me "Who do you live for?" Do I live for the approval and happiness of others, for my own gain, or for God's glory? And I can't just answer that question like I did in high school (because that's the answer I'm supposed to give); I have to really feel it's true. I'm not to that point yet, and I'm nearing a point where I have to choose. Lately I have become very nervous and jittery at night. I start muttering to myself and making repetitive motions to soothe my agitated mind. Frankly, it's really scary. Tonight is the first night I haven't felt this way since Monday this week and I hope its not the last. I know this sounds scary (and I'm scared) but looking at what triggered these moments I find it all traces back to me feeling like a failure. Monday I had my first day without student teaching and it was largely unproductive, as opposed to every day in student teaching where I worked and learned constantly. Tuesday I was again unproductive and also went to music hour where I realized I have no chance of winning the concerto competition (To busy to put in enough work and bass music is flat out not as impressive or musical). And Wednesday night I felt guilty for missing my friend's coeval reading. I didn't really want to go because I'm not good in crowds (My mother has social anxiety disorder and I might too). All of these things point back to not living up to the pressure.
Now I know I must step back and asses the situation. Only God can truly save me from this pressure. The next step is putting my priorities in line with God. Am I living to be the best or am I living to be who God has made me to be? That will relieve the pressure and focus my attention on what truly matters. The Glory of God.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble of heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
The words of Jesus from Matt. 11:28-30
1. my parents ("Do well in school, get a good job, and get married")
2. The Music Department ("You did a great job student teaching, now we expect more")
3. My cooperating Teacher ("You need to know the violin better" "You need to use pedagogical language", "You and I were cheated because of the way student teaching is set up")
4. Myself ("Play the Bass amazingly", "Be a great teacher immediately", "Live up to all these expectations")
I think this time in my life is when God has begun to ask me "Who do you live for?" Do I live for the approval and happiness of others, for my own gain, or for God's glory? And I can't just answer that question like I did in high school (because that's the answer I'm supposed to give); I have to really feel it's true. I'm not to that point yet, and I'm nearing a point where I have to choose. Lately I have become very nervous and jittery at night. I start muttering to myself and making repetitive motions to soothe my agitated mind. Frankly, it's really scary. Tonight is the first night I haven't felt this way since Monday this week and I hope its not the last. I know this sounds scary (and I'm scared) but looking at what triggered these moments I find it all traces back to me feeling like a failure. Monday I had my first day without student teaching and it was largely unproductive, as opposed to every day in student teaching where I worked and learned constantly. Tuesday I was again unproductive and also went to music hour where I realized I have no chance of winning the concerto competition (To busy to put in enough work and bass music is flat out not as impressive or musical). And Wednesday night I felt guilty for missing my friend's coeval reading. I didn't really want to go because I'm not good in crowds (My mother has social anxiety disorder and I might too). All of these things point back to not living up to the pressure.
Now I know I must step back and asses the situation. Only God can truly save me from this pressure. The next step is putting my priorities in line with God. Am I living to be the best or am I living to be who God has made me to be? That will relieve the pressure and focus my attention on what truly matters. The Glory of God.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble of heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
The words of Jesus from Matt. 11:28-30
Sunday, November 12, 2006
I am a confusing old man
Well, I'm not old yet, but I sure do act like I am. In my eternal search to find out what really appeals to me I have found that I like some of the following things:1. Flat caps (remember newsies?)
2. Mr. Rogers type cardigans (I wish I could raid my grandfather's closet)
3. The Marx Brothers
4. "My Fair Lady" and other well made musical/movies
5. Enjoying classical music and discouraging music with high decibel levels
And I don't like:
1. Driving at night (my night vision is horrible)
2. People who speed and tailgate (5 over is enough for me)
3. watching sports on television
4. Eating dinner past 6:00 or Lunch past 12:00 ( I should be done by those times)
5. Staying up late; I go to bed at 10:30 (mainly because of student teaching but it is nice)
So there it is. To add to that Dr. Vacco has said I would make a great Grandpa and my friend Doug remind me at least once a week that I am an old man . To be honest, I actually like thinking along the same lines as the older generation. They are pretty smart people and have great style. Though most people don't agree, whenever I see an old man wearing what old men wear (especially the hats) I can't help but admire his style. Well, I suppose I'll find out if anyone agrees with me in the future. Until then I'll keep adding to my collection of old man apparel and other old man items and eccentricities.
Friday, November 03, 2006
A true friend
Here's a few traits I think a true friend might have:
1. spends time with you
2. never insults you (unless it is in joking way)
3. knows things about you besides the surfacy stuff everyone else knows (i.e. I play the Bass)
4. cares about how you are doing (doesn't just say "how's it going" without expecting a real response)
5. Goes to the things you are involved in wether they like it or not.
This last point is the one that really rings true for me lately. None of my roomates came to the big jazz concert tonight. None of my other friends came either unless they were in jazz band or a music major, in which case it fulfills a requirement. I was dissapointed to see that each and every one of them were reluctant to go wether they had a prior engagement or not. I know I don't always go to my friend's events but mainly becuase they don't go to mine. A relationship like this must be give a take. It can't all be one sided.
For instance, I regularly visit my friends and former roomates down the hall. Whenever I come they don't seem pleased to see me and never spend time with me even though I have extended my friendship to them. I simply have to fit into their already scheduled plans (or non-plans) or else I may leave. Also, they have only come to me a couple to times and only when they are the most bored.
I fear that I will leave Bethel with no life long friendships. That really scares me.
Back to the concert.
At the end of a concert people always gather in the lobby to talk etc. It is very rare that I will see a friend to say hello to or chat with after a concert. Today was more of the same. And to top it off I tried to give eye contact to some friends I recognized to say hello but they didn't even wave. I once again walked off and wnt home without talking with a single friend. Sure my bandmates say "great job" afterwards but that is almost required ettiquette and its nice to hear it from a non-musician. It really hurts to see that my enitre list of "friends" can't be bothered to attend an event of something I hold very dear to my heart.
I didn't even get invited to the after concert "party"
1. spends time with you
2. never insults you (unless it is in joking way)
3. knows things about you besides the surfacy stuff everyone else knows (i.e. I play the Bass)
4. cares about how you are doing (doesn't just say "how's it going" without expecting a real response)
5. Goes to the things you are involved in wether they like it or not.
This last point is the one that really rings true for me lately. None of my roomates came to the big jazz concert tonight. None of my other friends came either unless they were in jazz band or a music major, in which case it fulfills a requirement. I was dissapointed to see that each and every one of them were reluctant to go wether they had a prior engagement or not. I know I don't always go to my friend's events but mainly becuase they don't go to mine. A relationship like this must be give a take. It can't all be one sided.
For instance, I regularly visit my friends and former roomates down the hall. Whenever I come they don't seem pleased to see me and never spend time with me even though I have extended my friendship to them. I simply have to fit into their already scheduled plans (or non-plans) or else I may leave. Also, they have only come to me a couple to times and only when they are the most bored.
I fear that I will leave Bethel with no life long friendships. That really scares me.
Back to the concert.
At the end of a concert people always gather in the lobby to talk etc. It is very rare that I will see a friend to say hello to or chat with after a concert. Today was more of the same. And to top it off I tried to give eye contact to some friends I recognized to say hello but they didn't even wave. I once again walked off and wnt home without talking with a single friend. Sure my bandmates say "great job" afterwards but that is almost required ettiquette and its nice to hear it from a non-musician. It really hurts to see that my enitre list of "friends" can't be bothered to attend an event of something I hold very dear to my heart.
I didn't even get invited to the after concert "party"
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Some thoughts on my current position
While studetn teaching I come across a very unique set of realities that I never would have expected. Perhaps I will delve into more later, but for now I'd like to consider my status as a non-student.
Since I spend the majority of my days off-campus, I find that I spend very little time with my peers. In fact, I rarely even see my roomates since I am here for rehersals, food, and sleep. This has, of course, put a serious strain on my relationships which is a painful reality. As I mentioned in a previous post, this stage of my personal development is characterized by a longing for a depth in relationships. Now, since I am not in any sort of romantic relationship, I find the fufillment of that desire completely in friendships. So, at this most crucial of times I find less time for the relationships I crave and even less cooperation from said friends. It has not been unusual for me to extend a hand towards one of my friends and find they are disinterested. They are more often spending time with their friends that are around more, or doing activites they planned while I was gone. This leaves me with most weekends spent alone, searching for something to do and someone to hang out with. Of course, not all the blame rests on my friends shoulders; I have been very busy and, as a result, have become distant.
At times I question putting students in this position. I student teach becuse it is a requirement for the major and also a great learning tool (only way to learn is to get your hands dirty). But perhaps it should be paired with something else or spread out over a longer period of time. At the very least, music majors should not be involved with performing groups. My colleagues go home after their student teaching and prepare for the next day/relax wheras I go from one rehersal to the next until it is 8:00 and I am too tired to accomplish anything. I'm also usually uptight becuse of this schedule which passes on to my friends and roomates, putting a strain on those relationships I so desperatley need.
In the end I will survive through this week, but I don't know what damage it will do to my friendships. Coming back to classes next semester will be a challenge and who knows what kind of person I will be at that time. Business and the cold relaity of the public school teacher's job have forced me to grow up fast. I'm beginning to like hearing the name :"Mr. Myers" and have begun to act more like my parents. I'm not sure if I will even be able to relate with m peers when I return. I just hope I can find some people whom I can truly talk with and know on a deeper level becuase I'm sick of shallow, pointless firendships that only end in dissapointment. The time will come when I'll stop reaching out to build relationships with friends who don't give back and I hope at least some of them reach back.
Since I spend the majority of my days off-campus, I find that I spend very little time with my peers. In fact, I rarely even see my roomates since I am here for rehersals, food, and sleep. This has, of course, put a serious strain on my relationships which is a painful reality. As I mentioned in a previous post, this stage of my personal development is characterized by a longing for a depth in relationships. Now, since I am not in any sort of romantic relationship, I find the fufillment of that desire completely in friendships. So, at this most crucial of times I find less time for the relationships I crave and even less cooperation from said friends. It has not been unusual for me to extend a hand towards one of my friends and find they are disinterested. They are more often spending time with their friends that are around more, or doing activites they planned while I was gone. This leaves me with most weekends spent alone, searching for something to do and someone to hang out with. Of course, not all the blame rests on my friends shoulders; I have been very busy and, as a result, have become distant.
At times I question putting students in this position. I student teach becuse it is a requirement for the major and also a great learning tool (only way to learn is to get your hands dirty). But perhaps it should be paired with something else or spread out over a longer period of time. At the very least, music majors should not be involved with performing groups. My colleagues go home after their student teaching and prepare for the next day/relax wheras I go from one rehersal to the next until it is 8:00 and I am too tired to accomplish anything. I'm also usually uptight becuse of this schedule which passes on to my friends and roomates, putting a strain on those relationships I so desperatley need.
In the end I will survive through this week, but I don't know what damage it will do to my friendships. Coming back to classes next semester will be a challenge and who knows what kind of person I will be at that time. Business and the cold relaity of the public school teacher's job have forced me to grow up fast. I'm beginning to like hearing the name :"Mr. Myers" and have begun to act more like my parents. I'm not sure if I will even be able to relate with m peers when I return. I just hope I can find some people whom I can truly talk with and know on a deeper level becuase I'm sick of shallow, pointless firendships that only end in dissapointment. The time will come when I'll stop reaching out to build relationships with friends who don't give back and I hope at least some of them reach back.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Teaching Music Through Performance
As most of you know, I am studying to be a music teacher. Well... this semster I am student teaching and have learned quit a bit in just the first 7 weeks (the business related to student teaching is why I haven't posted for a very long time). The thing that has really hit me about music education in general is understanding how to teach music in our schools.
I want to be a music educator, not just a conductor for the school's band or orchestra and prepare for concerts. I truly want to teach music; in part becuase that is the job description. As teacher it is our job to instruct and impart wisdom to our charges. But how do we do that with music? It's simple, we use our medium to help students understand music hands on. We teach them to play and instrument or use their voices to create music themselves and be part of an ensemble becuase that is what professionals in this field do. That is how science, math, and all other subjects work as well. But our work doesn't end with simply playing the instrument, no, it is merely the gateway through which we teach music. It's our version of the science lab where we teach the basics of music like rhythm, pitch, meter, etc. though hands-on activity. As a student continues through their music experience we continue to grow their knowledge of music and start experiencing phrasing, blending, communicating while also teaching life skills like working as a team, perseverance, and woodshedding. This last one is really important since so many kids these days give up if they can't do something right away. We teach them that concetrated effort on difficult theings will yield positive results. In the end we hope that student not only can go on to become professionals in music, they can also go on to become professionals in other fields wiht added skills they developed in the music classroom.
Our music class also serves and an in depth music appreciation class. Today is the day of the ipod, youtube, and other at-your-fingertips technology that allow student to hear music all the time. This both good and bad. Since we hear music so musch it has really become like aural wallpaper to our lives and we no longer listen to the actuall music. In fact a majority of popular music thee days is liked becuse of its simplicity, such as trance music, likely becuase its easy to be used as wallpaper. Music educators have the task of teaching students to listen again; to use their critical ear and to concetrate on music for its own purpose rather than using it for something else. With our help, students should be able to enjoy a night listening to classical music and will be able to critically analyze the performance (which is also an enjoyable acitivty).
One of the purposes, therefore, is to preserve music as an art and concertgoer's activity rather than something to fill up silence.
In summation, the work of the music teacher is not one of rehersals and music making, though those things arre present. It is a job with an ultimate goal of teaching music by using performance as a tool to present material. I must, as a music educator, strive contantly to plan lessons with a musical gola in mind other than to prepare for a concert. The good performance should, and will, be a positive outgrowth of student learning rather than a final goal if we put music EDUCATION first.
I want to be a music educator, not just a conductor for the school's band or orchestra and prepare for concerts. I truly want to teach music; in part becuase that is the job description. As teacher it is our job to instruct and impart wisdom to our charges. But how do we do that with music? It's simple, we use our medium to help students understand music hands on. We teach them to play and instrument or use their voices to create music themselves and be part of an ensemble becuase that is what professionals in this field do. That is how science, math, and all other subjects work as well. But our work doesn't end with simply playing the instrument, no, it is merely the gateway through which we teach music. It's our version of the science lab where we teach the basics of music like rhythm, pitch, meter, etc. though hands-on activity. As a student continues through their music experience we continue to grow their knowledge of music and start experiencing phrasing, blending, communicating while also teaching life skills like working as a team, perseverance, and woodshedding. This last one is really important since so many kids these days give up if they can't do something right away. We teach them that concetrated effort on difficult theings will yield positive results. In the end we hope that student not only can go on to become professionals in music, they can also go on to become professionals in other fields wiht added skills they developed in the music classroom.
Our music class also serves and an in depth music appreciation class. Today is the day of the ipod, youtube, and other at-your-fingertips technology that allow student to hear music all the time. This both good and bad. Since we hear music so musch it has really become like aural wallpaper to our lives and we no longer listen to the actuall music. In fact a majority of popular music thee days is liked becuse of its simplicity, such as trance music, likely becuase its easy to be used as wallpaper. Music educators have the task of teaching students to listen again; to use their critical ear and to concetrate on music for its own purpose rather than using it for something else. With our help, students should be able to enjoy a night listening to classical music and will be able to critically analyze the performance (which is also an enjoyable acitivty).
One of the purposes, therefore, is to preserve music as an art and concertgoer's activity rather than something to fill up silence.
In summation, the work of the music teacher is not one of rehersals and music making, though those things arre present. It is a job with an ultimate goal of teaching music by using performance as a tool to present material. I must, as a music educator, strive contantly to plan lessons with a musical gola in mind other than to prepare for a concert. The good performance should, and will, be a positive outgrowth of student learning rather than a final goal if we put music EDUCATION first.
Friday, September 08, 2006
Listening for the sake of attention
Ever notice when people don't really care about what you have to say? I'm frankly getting sick speaking to people only to have them come back with something else loosely related or, sometimes, not even related at all. You can tell they don't care enough to really listen. They only care enough to hold your attention long enough so you will listen to them. Of course, I only notice this becuase I was doing the same thing, but that doesn't make it right. We should care about what others are saying and respond appropriatley which might just be with more listening. No one cares to be an ear for others becuase it isn't in their personal interest. We just want a little attention from others to acknowledge that we are worth something.
I'd like to say that I get all of my affirmation from the LORD but I know that's just not true. I'll use others as an object to talk at intsead of really talking with them and engaging in conversation; just like the people that I'm noticing. Perhaps we should all work on doing a little conversation, sharing with others in an equal exchange. Really, that's exactly what good jazz is; a conversation between a group of musicians. One guy might be dominating the conversation but they are all working towards one goal. The expression of life collaboratively arrived at by a group of people who are experiencing it together.
Just my thoughts, now go have a conversation.
I'd like to say that I get all of my affirmation from the LORD but I know that's just not true. I'll use others as an object to talk at intsead of really talking with them and engaging in conversation; just like the people that I'm noticing. Perhaps we should all work on doing a little conversation, sharing with others in an equal exchange. Really, that's exactly what good jazz is; a conversation between a group of musicians. One guy might be dominating the conversation but they are all working towards one goal. The expression of life collaboratively arrived at by a group of people who are experiencing it together.
Just my thoughts, now go have a conversation.
Friday, July 21, 2006
Meditation on Green Chimneys
The joint is jumpin'
Horns poppin'
Bass thumpin'
The music moves forward,
taking with it everyone in the room.
Musicians are groovin'
listeners clappin'
drums joinin'
on a a train that moves
passengers to a new place.
Wynton's screamin'
Bandmates yellin'
snare drum snappin'
back in response to what the trumpet says
highs, lows, and everything in between
Conversation brewin'
Saxophone trillin'
the train's a comin'
The whistle blows a hip sound
makes you want to dance.
Horns poppin'
Bass thumpin'
The music moves forward,
taking with it everyone in the room.
Musicians are groovin'
listeners clappin'
drums joinin'
on a a train that moves
passengers to a new place.
Wynton's screamin'
Bandmates yellin'
snare drum snappin'
back in response to what the trumpet says
highs, lows, and everything in between
Conversation brewin'
Saxophone trillin'
the train's a comin'
The whistle blows a hip sound
makes you want to dance.
Sunday, July 16, 2006
In The Afterglow
In the afterglow a trumpet speaks,
Giving voice to a mass of people.
Tired, spent from a night of revelry
and excitement, the voice says little;
only memory of the time past.
A time which was full of fire,
Heat
Connection
Jazz
But the memory is faded, nostalgic but new.
Filled with a new promise;
The promise of latenight and romance
and the union which so defines humanity.
Harmon mute shapes the trumpet's tone,
giving it that voice of chill,
Passion
Fusion
Jazz
A trumpet plays "In The Afterglow".
Giving voice to a mass of people.
Tired, spent from a night of revelry
and excitement, the voice says little;
only memory of the time past.
A time which was full of fire,
Heat
Connection
Jazz
But the memory is faded, nostalgic but new.
Filled with a new promise;
The promise of latenight and romance
and the union which so defines humanity.
Harmon mute shapes the trumpet's tone,
giving it that voice of chill,
Passion
Fusion
Jazz
A trumpet plays "In The Afterglow".
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Life in the summer
The summer months have an interesting feel to them. I keep feeling this sense that I am not doing what I need to as the days go by. I remember all of things I promised to accomplish and few of them seem to have happened, and as the days slip away into the fog of the past I realize that the first day of classes looms ahead. it has a death grip on my summer of opportunity and soon all of the oife will be squeezed out of my hopeful frined and I will be left with nothing but a new companion who is less forgiving and never lets me relax.
But I must remember that this is the first summer where I have really been practicing bass (not piano as I should be but at least I'm on the right track). Also, I'm doing a job that has strange hours and cataloging Dr. Self's books which takes up much of my hoped for free time. Well, there's still the string camp and Andrew's cabin to add to my summertime memories, and by the time the school year rools around I'm always ready for it to begin.
But I must remember that this is the first summer where I have really been practicing bass (not piano as I should be but at least I'm on the right track). Also, I'm doing a job that has strange hours and cataloging Dr. Self's books which takes up much of my hoped for free time. Well, there's still the string camp and Andrew's cabin to add to my summertime memories, and by the time the school year rools around I'm always ready for it to begin.
Friday, July 14, 2006
Beautiful Scenery
I thought I would post a picture from my trip to Germany and Austria. This shot is from Salzburg and was taken near the fortress. It was an incredible view and helps to remind me that God is still here. I'm too tired right now to add to this so I'll let the picture speak for itself.
Sunday, July 02, 2006
a thought
It's late. Bars have made their last call, sending their patrons into the unforgiving night. Places like uptown are filled with a frenzy of activity. Street corners are jammed with people thinking; what next? Parents have gone to bed. Their children, asleep long ago, are unaware of what goes on in the final hours of a day. Man and woman embrace, sharing one of God's most precious gifts. But now that time has passed and as they lie next to each other they pause to think; what next? A young man begins to walk, unable to sleep and needing to clear his head. This time is full of stillness; an intangible force lingering in the air which tells the young man he is entirely alone. His walk brings him past familiar places. Objects that he knows in daylight take on a new charcter in the dark. At times foreboding, his surroundings are also full of this stillness. His mind begins to wander and ponder the greater things in life. He mulls over thoughts of love, happiness, sucess, God, and life in general. Questions are answered with more questions while the night continues to say nothing...except stillness.
He wonders what he will do when school begins again:Will he suceed in his classes? Will his friendships grow? Will he find love in friends, family, and relationships? He also wonders what will happen tomorrow and the next day: Will his job pay well enough for him to repay his debts? Will he continue to keep to a schedule and not waste his time? Will God forgive him for not going to church? Is he even a Christian anymore?
He stops to pray... that same prayer he always says that attmepts to make up for weeks or even months of silence. Many times the young man is like tonight's surroundings; saying nothing except stillness. God calls to him but he ingores. He doesn't know where to begin, what to say, or what to do. All he can think is.... what next?
He wonders what he will do when school begins again:Will he suceed in his classes? Will his friendships grow? Will he find love in friends, family, and relationships? He also wonders what will happen tomorrow and the next day: Will his job pay well enough for him to repay his debts? Will he continue to keep to a schedule and not waste his time? Will God forgive him for not going to church? Is he even a Christian anymore?
He stops to pray... that same prayer he always says that attmepts to make up for weeks or even months of silence. Many times the young man is like tonight's surroundings; saying nothing except stillness. God calls to him but he ingores. He doesn't know where to begin, what to say, or what to do. All he can think is.... what next?
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