A semester in summary

As I look back at this semester in total I see a few recurring ideas that, I think, sum up my year. I think of Jazz, Disc Golf, and Depression (not the clinical kind).

Jazz has been in my life since high school, but never has it played such a prominent role. I have really begun to listen more and really try to understand what these musicians are saying. I love listening to "Live at the House of Tribes" and really grovving to their swing. I makes me really happy to hear a good groove and often I use it as a good pick-me-up when I'm feeling down.
I also began playing Parker's "Yardbird Suite" for my recital and really found a wealth of knowledge contained in it. It has grown my jazz voacbulary and helped me to undestand the harmonic structure of a bop solo (mainly it's helped me get away fro the bass player root bias). Lastly, I have lately been very stressedd out with all of the work and emotional ups and downs I have experienced this year. I have started really using jazz as a stress reliever; there's nothing like really diggin into the strings and laying down a bass line to work out the stress. I'm not sure what I wouould have done without jazz these last few weeks, it has really helped to keep me sane.

Disc golf has also been a big idea for this semster. My friends from home play it all the time and I love to simply play with them so I can spend to time reconnecting. I also like disc golf on its own and have begun wanting to play more often. I am appreciative of the times Doug and I have spent at Acorn just playing the course (I even appreciate that he gives me a hard time). I really see disc golf as a life long sport for me and that is a good thing.

Lastly, and most prominent, I have dealt with a long string of sadness. I don't really have any major problems in my life to speak of that would cause this sadness but I have felt perpetually down nonetheless. I think my problems mainly stem from thinking about relationships. I have never been in a dating relationship before; I matured very late in my high school career so the thought never passed my mind at the time. Now, having no experience, I am unsure of myself and end up handling any prospects in a vey immature fashion. If I have some interest in a girl, I avoid them like the plague. I fear their presence becuase I don't know how to react to the feelings I have. I fear they will find out a reject me so I avoid them so as to not risk it.
I have paryed quite a bit since the beginning of my sophomore year that God would make his will clear for me in this area of my life. I thought that he had recently done this so I pursued the possibility as I could. Of course, my pursuing looked very akward and most likely came across as either apathy or a lack of confidence (which it is). Now, I hear that women like a man with confidence; it shows they can support them and an any family they might raise so its a deisreable quality. So, it goes without saying that my "handling" of the situation probably didn't go well. In the end, I heard that a certian girl was not interested in a relationship and was not interested in me even if she were to want one.

So.....

You can hear my exictement plummet as what was once a state of perennial happiness became utter despondency (fun sentence eh?). I have been sad off and on becuase my I'm always plagued with doubt about my self regarding atractiveness, but that has now become a default sadness that has come across to everyone (Inlcuding Dr. t who noticed I looked tired today). I wanted to blame God for not coming through for me on this year plus prayer request and I wanted to blame the girl in question for being so shallow (she didn't like me becuase I'm akward). But in the end I need to dust myself off and try again. Except I have been without a major level of clarity like I had with this situation for a long time (I felt right about asking this girl out which is a feeling I haven;t had for anyone else all year and only rarely the year before) and I went through this torment (beleive me, pursuing a girl is a mixture of joy and torment the latter being more prevalent) only to be shot down without a chance. It makes me want to say "Life Sucks" or spew out expletives, or be angry at my rootmates for no reason (sorry Nathan). But since the year is mostly over I think I will avoid the subject for a while. If only I could get rid of this sadness.

Sorry for the typos but I don't feel like proffreading this whole thing.
By the way, happy Doug?

....

Well.....
At times it feels like my hands are tied becuase of all the obligations I have. Classes, performance groups, practicum, and everything else have me running at all times and on all cylinders. So it only makes things worse when I have something else I want to pursue. I can't simply relax (a favorite hobby of mine), really play disc golf so that I can improve, or pursue deeper relationships. I think often about surfacy relationships and wanting something more but it feels like I can't have any real relationships, and real conversations becuase I'm so busy. Living for the weekend when all I have is homework instead of homework and other things was never the way I saw myself experiencing Bethel.

Jazz @ Artist's Quarter: a review

Last night I went to the artist's quarter to hear some music. The group was Jim Rotondi and Bill Carrothers along with a couple of local musicians. I expected to be wowed and amazed by Mr. Rotondi, a famous trumpeter from New York. But I wasn't.

I did appreciate his virtuosity and have to acknowledge that he knows the bop vocabulary. However, just becuase you know the words doesn't mean you can converse. Perhaps Mr. Rotondi can hold a "conversation", but he certainly wasn't telling me anything. I only got the impression that he was showing off his technical prowess. I think he allowed his pride to take over, which prevented him from communicating with the other musicians.
They, on the other hand, were really on last night. Gordy Johnson was excellent (I have yet to hear him play poorly) and so was the drummer. I was actually most impressed by the pianist. He was strange, and often hard to follow, but he was saying something. His personality showed with each note and led me to a place I had never been musically. His momentum carried the listener to new and often surprising places, such as "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" as seen by a minimalist in a minor key. I was often left with my mouth hanging open, wondering if what he did was allowed in jazz. But his overpowering presence would overule my objections and make me follow him. I ended up actually laughing at times and found myself loving his crazy juxtapositions (like playing a ballad-like solo over a fast blues tune).
Now this is jazz

The beautifully dreary day

Today was an overcast day, but it might have been the most beautiful day all year. Seeing the lake melting and seeing rain on the ground instead of snow really lifted my spirits. I guess the best part was the memories of Oregon that it brought back. When my family lived in Oregon it seemed to rain almost every day ,but instead of loathing the rain (as my mom did) I loved the clean feeling of a gentle rain and especially the pine smell after the rain had ended.
Today was all of the greatness of a cool, Oregon day after the rain . I suppose if I could live anywhere, not thinking about family or work, I would live in the pacific northwest. I love the fresh trout, gorgeous Cascade Mountains, and the rain. It felt so fresh, as if God was washing away the dirt and making us new; thank God for rain.

Christian "Nice"

While I do appreciate the concern of others when it comes to my self esteem, sometimes I want to hear the truth. This is most apparent in the world of the Bethel Music department. In an attempt to be as Christ-like as possible we have once again misread the words and deeds of our savior. Let me give you an example. I am a music music major which means that my performance on a specific instrument, in this case the Double Bass, is important to my future. However, whenever I look for an honest assesment all I hear is "Great Job". The saddest part is that no matter how badly I have played (and a while back thoroghly provede this hypothesis) I always get the same response. Now, I still maght be able to pay attaention to myself and imporve according to my standards alone, but input is valuable to me. If I would have known that the faculty thought I sounded horrible (hypothetically of course) I would have practiced more; I am encouraged by constructive criticism.
I think the truth is the faculty are afraid of hurting my feelings and therefore end up hurting my career. Also, the end up hurting my feelings indirectly by avoiding me in the halls (yes it has been done!) or not having me play for the NASM recital (I'd like to know the reasoning behind their choices).
Another factor that causes my feelings to be hurt is my personal insecurity. I have only been playing in an orchestra since Freshman year so I am not as secure in my self image as those who have played since age four. I admit I have made tremendous progress and in that area I get a straight answer, but I want to know how GOOD am I? How do I stack up to other bass players my age who are music majors? well that's enough for now. Maybe I'll coax a real answer out of the faculty.

A collaborative poem of Nathan, Andy, and Myself

A single tree, solitary, stands against the cold, hostile wind.
The wind beats savagely upon its scarred and worn trunk.
Yet the mature branches refuse to give way to the breeze.
Her strong base stands as a centurion, guarding nature's last stronghold.
Rains begin to batter against the bark, threataning to scar [her] body.
But she continues to stand defiantly against the cruel [elements].
A tribute and testament to a world which pain and trials cannot destroy.

Changes in []

Courage

Today the Middle Level class I'm in worked with Youth Frontiers, a non-profit group operating in the Twin Cities that teaches middle schoolers important values such as honesty and courage. We spent 5 hours with over 170 7th grade students and tried to instill the value of Courage in them and make a real difference. To begin I was really nervous, I didn't know if I would be cabable of leading a small group or engage with the students (including being wild and crazy). I even began to question if I really wanted to teach students; Do I really care about kids and if not why do I want to teach. however, once they came through the door, to our thunderous applause, I was assured that I had made the right choice. These kids were excited, scared, hyperactive, tired, and confused and this diversity made it all worthwhile. I had the chance to show kids that it didn't matter to me wether the student body thought they were popular. I also was able to show them that being yourself is a cool thing to do.
Today we taught them courage, not in the face of scary animals or heights but in the face of peer pressure, bullying, and following the crowd. I suddenly had this intense urge to get across to these kids that its ok to be yourself. I saw many students in anguish becuase they were so scared of being laughed at. I also saw many other students ready to laugh at others to make themselves feel better. 7th graders need to know, and we do too, that you are not living your life if you give into this kind of fear. You are letting others run your life in your place. I wanted to shake these students from their slumber. You are missing out... on yourselves!!! This is why we need great teachers. Yes, we need to have competent knowledge dispensers, but it much more important to have a group of adults who care so deeply about the future of each individual student that they will stop at nothing to teach them about being real, having courage, being virtuous, having opinions, and being passionate about.... something!!!

Thank you youth frontiers for teaching me about coruage, but more so for showing me why I should be a teacher.

This could make a great article if I wasn't so scatter brained.

SAD

Ever heard of Social Anxiety Disorder? Of course, most people have. Well... I'm begining to think I may have it. I am often uncomfortable in social situations, I avoid parties or large group gatherings (unless faces remain nameless as in Vespers), and I don't enjoy meeting new people. So what does this mean? If I do have it I will, in one sense, be satisfied; I'd like to think that i am this way becuase of a disorder. Also, I have always had this "glamorous" view of mental instability. I suppose that I associate mental problems with genius so I need to have some sort of problem if I ever want to become one. However, I aslo want to be normal; I don't enjoy the way I feel around strangers and I don't enjoy the intense feelings of stress I get in an embarassing or potentialy embarassing situation. I was especially freaked out when once, during Vespers, I has extreme anxiety for no reason. I was unable to give anyone eye contact and had this weird urge to spin in a circle (strange huh?). Well, I suppose it doesn't really matter becuase I can't afford to be diagnosed. That and I don't necissarily agree with naming all human ecentricties as disorders. That doesn't mean I don't believe in ADD or Autism (these problems are completely legitimate); I just think that many people who are diagnosed with depression or SAD doen't really have a full blown problem. Kids especially are being spoon fed drugs to keep them in line when that's the last thing our culture needs. It just seems that we sometimes sacrifice our uniqueness to create order (once again this is not cut and dry).
Well that's enough of a tangent for one night. Hopefully I can get over whatever it is that is plaguing me.

[No Subject]

I can't decide what to write tonight and since I don't necissarliy write every day there should be no problem. But... I have this desire to write something, anything. I want to write becuase I have so many things going through my head (not all of them depressing and cynical like my last few posts). I want to communicate my confusion and sadness, my understanding and my joy. Somehow, though, I can't put these things into words; I can't really even understand them myself sometimes. yet I still want to write something. Maybe its my longing to communicate; to speak with someone I haven't talked to in a while. Maybe I just want to speak to someone that doesn't have an agenda while I'm speaking to them, causing them to not really listen.
No, these are all true, but the real reason it I'm looking for answers and I can't just think them into existence. I have to hash them out in writing; give my thoughts room to grow. So what am I thinking about? Orchestra Tour expenses, my classes, getting a job after school, family, friends, my quirks, girls, Concerto/Aria contest, my recital, practicing, my nearly broken glasses, art, emotions, movies, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, my car, my bass, roomates, and the list goes on.

Well that helped... a little.. I think

Numb

Numb.... That's the way I feel.



I'm trying to process everything; the new semester, my parents, piano proficiency, friendships, and Women. Instead of coming to some sort of boil I have been left with nothing. Sort of like I have slowed down but time is racng away. Like I just want to sit down. Maybe listen to the sound of silence. And wait for the answers that I know aren't forthcoming.
My life is like a sleeping arm; feels like dead weight and all I can do is wait a while. But I've been waiting for a long time and I'm worried the feeling is not going to come back to this limb...

Continued later in the night......

I never thought it could be possible but I believe I have had the pain of rejection whout being rejected myself. I was really pulling for my friend and expected no problems(this refers to an earlier post). I might be experienceing all of the things associated with this type of pain. distrust of others, depression, withdrawl from relationships, among others. I'm not sure how to handle this; I keep thinking I do but I have no idea (yes Doug, I'm exploring this infinite void). I need an example of someone I can trust (even though this loss of trust is coming vicariously through my friends issues). And to think... I came so close to taking the next step.......

Take that how you will.

It's so confusing

Two of my friends in the past month have been rejected by girls. That scares me. Also, its not like they just asked out of the blue; they were almost certain they were doing the right thing. But then it turned out the girl didn't really feel the way my friend thought she did; in both occasions they were shot down when all signs pointed to yes.

Things like this do not boost my confidence. I have to say that I'm slowly warming up to dating; watching movies like Garden State (like I did tonight) make me want to be in a relationship. I want to know someone well and really care about them. But then fear takes hold. How can I be certain of how a particular girl might feel? No offence meant by this but girls are very deceptive. Why is that? Do you not want to hurt our feelings so you lead us on hoping to delay the ineviable only to make the insuing pain worse? Please be honest.

Events have thrown me into a spin. My parents are giving me a lecture about how I should just pick someone and try it out instead of waiting for a sign that isn't going to appear. My female friends grow closer and simultaneously others grow farther away while I truly don't really "know" any girls at all which only helps foster my aprehension and fear of the opposite sex. I want simple answers where there aren't ones to be had so I'll probably sit here and think more until another semester passes dateless.

Why not How

During this Christmas break I read Through Painted Deserts by Don Miller. The book follows the author and his friend Paul from Texas to Oregon and a few places in between. It's a wonderful narrative that pulled at my longing to travel and be free from worries. I think we all (at least guys) want to travel. I don't just mean vacation either. We want to be on an adventure of sorts. This book definetly puts you int the mood for one.
Miller's main point of the book is changing our thinking from how questions such as: How do I become sucessful? or How do I need to live? (which are still god questions) to Why questions like: Why did God create us? Why does a beauty have such an impact on my soul? We need to ponder these questions which are so often overlooked and exchanged for more superficial How questions.

Let's slow down and listen a while

Fewer and fewer people, it seems, simply listen to music these days. Instead of going to a concert or sitting down and listening, we use it as background noise for every imaginable activity. I think this does a great injustice to the music and, more specifically, the composer.

First, the person who wrote the song/piece never intended for it to be listened to while doing your homwork, driving, etc. The exception, however, is musique de table like Handel's water music. That was specifically designed for that purpose but I doubt he would have minded a closer listening by his audience. To make my point stronger, none of the popular music written today is for the purpose of background noise; it is art. Out of respect for the artist we should actually listen to the words/notes and find out what they have to say. Instead of actually tuning it out and usinng it as a way to avoid dreaded silence, we should take a few minutes to hear music. You have no idea how soothing even a single note can be unil you really listen to it.

However, some music really isn't worht your time in this way. But that's good; some of us should develop a more discriminating taste. Find the music that speaks to you, makes you cry, tells you something new, or gets your feet tapping and blood rushing. When was the last time music did any of these thing to you? It has the power to do so if you simply let it.

For example, the Festival of Christmas this year was filled with beautiful, slow music that can bring you to tears becuase of it's sheerr beauty. it also had music that could make you think, specifically about God and the Christmas season. But what to I see during these songs? My friend in the second row about passed out from boredom. Our listening habits have sone this to us! We are to lazy to open up our mind's ear and really hear the music. Don't get me wrong, it's not easy and it definetly isn't a walk in the park sometimes, but music has a capacity to move us if we let it. Maybe that's why we don't like Classical music or most jazz. It requires something from the listener and we are too busy to give anything to music. We want immediate gratification and, since we don't understand it now, we don't want to take the time to learn how to listen. It's just another part of the curse of the modern need for speed.


That's enough for now; go listen to some Beethoven. You'll thank me later.

Christmas list

In the continuing spirit of the holidays I'm going to get a jump on the materialistic side of Christmas and write a Christmas wish list. There's something very gratifying about listing all the things you want.
Here it goes:

- iPod (just a 20 gig 2nd gen is good enough for me)
- Digital camera (how am I going to remember the trip to Germany)
- The orchestra trip paid off
- Pants that fit (mine seem to still be shrinking)
- new rosin
- a new bow (and while we are at it a nice 10K Double Bass wouldn't hurt)
- Sheet music to Meditation Hebraique by Bloch, some Bottesini, and other great bass music
- a few books:
Anything by Brian McLaren
Some poetry compilations especially ones with Robert Frost
Anything C.S. Lewis
Teaching Music Through performance series
Some Good Music Biographies
- a new car
- Some CDs:
More Wynton Marsalis
Double Bass Solo music recordings (Gary Karr etc.)
Beethoven Symphonies
Classic Jazz recordings
- The Coltrane "Blue Train" poster
- a Keilwerth sax
- All of the important band and orchestra instruments (save percussion)


- the good news is I can live without all of this and musch less. But it's fun to dream....

Things I'm Thankful for

In the spirit of the holiday season I submit to you (and mostly to myself for later review) a list of some things I'm thankful for (In no particular order):

1. My stuff
- I have all I need and much more. It's great to live in a place where overabundance is not only commonplace, it is expected. Now I all need is to learn how to live with less and share my blessing instead of lusting after more and more stuff
2. Music
- without this life would be very bland. I can't imagnie living without such an integral part of my life; it is my major, my talent, and offers moments of sheer exstasy sometimes which leaves me wanting more (ever felt that surge of emotion?)
3. My friends
- There are times when I feel alone but I do have many friends who care about me and I should keep that in mind at all times. As time goes on I would like to get to know them better; fewer surfacy relationships and more life long bonds.
4. My health
- In an age where flu, aids, birth defects, emotional and behavioral disorders, and cancer are everywhere I find myself among the lucky few who are not the worse for wear. I know at some point illness will touch my life but I thank God for these times of health (not one cold or allergy this semester yet!)
5. My family
- My parents love me enough that they came up here for thanksgiving (even though my dad is a cheapskate usually). My sister is also doing well and I know she thinks of me often. I love you guys!
6. God
- Thanks for not forgetting about me. For those nudges to pray, those reminders that you are there, for creation (and it is beautiful), and for forgiveness.
7. Girls
- I don't mean this in the purely physical attraction side of things (though that is a plus). I love that girls are so different from guys. It's frustrating at time but I often learn from them. They remind us to use our emotions, be relational, and promt me to look for love. There's something is a girl's smile, her eyes, her very being that tells me finding "the one" is very important. Thank you ladies!

A Matter of Importance

When I was in gym class during middle school we played football. During that time I took command of a team, I called the plays and decided how to do things. Interestingly enough, we won all of our games. I made good decisions and we pulled out with and undefeated record. Wait; Hold the applause. I think that might have been one of my greatest mistakes I made in middle school and one of the biggest missed opportunities in my public school career.

My decisions would have been seen as good and justifiable by our cultures standard. But Christ was, I believe, unhappy with my performance. You see, the way I won those games was by using the two fastest kids in school. We ran the ball or did a short pass to those two every time and always gained yards. But what about all of the others kids. I short changed their experience and made them think I was a jerk all to win a few inconsequential games in P.E. I should have passed the ball around, given everyone a chanc, and then maybe I could have been christlike.

It's like this:
Christ stood up for the weak, he fought the strong, and loved the poor etc. (you get the idea). He would have also seen past that single month to realize the eternal potential in the situation. It was my chance to love some of my peers, show them who crhist is in me, and maybe impact them eternally. Instead I opted for a short-lived glory that was probably only in my head.

That month I had a lot of kids angry with me becuase I was selfish. Don't make my mistake (well, it's going to happen but watch for it, I'll try to as well). If you realize that loving others is more important that selfish gain. Then maybe, just maybe, you'll look a little more like Christ.

Matthew 22:39

Three words: Scared of Commitment

I've found that the one fear I face the most day in and day out is the fear of commitment. I doubt that I can make important decisions well; not to mention the unimportant ones as well. First, I haven't been quick to get "on the dating scene". My parents are beginning to get worried and, frankly, so am I. But why don't I do something? There are plenty of wonderful girls that I know who would be great candidates (please don't be offended by my use of the word cnadidate). And I'm sure at least one of them might go on a date with me if I asked them nicely. It's also not for lack of thinking about the subject; I think about it constantly. Some days I think, "Yeah I should take ____ to ____ that would fit well with their personality and it something we could conncect with." Other days, however, I think, "_____ is really beautiful, smart, funny etc. She has all the qualities I could want is a girl but if I got out with her my options are gone." This second thought is the one that happens just often enough to stop me from making any escisions whatsoever. I don't think I really fear rejection, I fear making a choice that I'll regret.
I have a dream where I ask this girl out; she's the one I've liked for many years but while we are on a date I meet someone (or even just see them) else who is perfect for me; she's the one." How can I make and important decision like this unless I am 100% certain she's the one. But wait... this is just one date. No obligations. Why am I attaching such significance to something so inherently trivial? So I should just ask _____ out on a date this weekend. But wait, shoudl I ask _____ instead. Is dating stupid? Once I've gone on one date where will we go next? Can I find enough ideas to keep her interested? See my train of thought?

It's enough to drive a person mad. So maybe I'll keep wainting until God nudges me in the back. He'll say, "she's the one" and that will be it.



Yeha right

I'm too busy wasting time

Everyday I race from one responsibility to another; band, orchestra, class, jazz band, practicum, homework, vespers, work, and more. it seems like most everyone I know has the same prayer request, "I'm really busy, my schedule is hectic." We schedule overbook our lives instead of leaving room for new possibilities. I read a number of books this summer and have seen many more I would like to read but I can't make the time for it and still retain my mental health (what little I have left). I think that free time should be included in our liberal arts programs; I need more time to find my hobbies, interests, etc. and work them out. But are we really coreced into this lifestyle? What would we really do with this free time?

Personally, I'm afraid of the resposiblity of free time. I don't want to make decisions; most likely I'd end up regreting them. I don't want the responsibility of free time. Could I make the choice of who to date (I don't have to think about that becuase I'm too busy) or what to read, practice, or do? What if I make the wrong choice?

Someday, however, I will have to step out and decide; I'll have to make a move and ,if it's the wrong one, pick myself back up.

A piece of Brain McLaren's genius

The acclaimed author of "A New Kind of Christian" and "Generous Orthodoxy" has a new book coming out called "The Secret Message of Jesus". If this new release is anything like his other books the writing will be refreshing yet challenging. Also, I think I know a little of what he may write about; it's recently been on my heart as well.

One of the clear messages coming from "Generous Orthodoxy" is that no denomination has it completely right. We all have our strong suits, but we need to search out the weaknesses and restore balance to our viewpoints. My main example is in the message of Jesus (this is where the new book advertisement fits in). I believe that, since Jesus was the son of God, he came for more than just a single reason. I hate the song "Above All" becuase it boils the eclectic and holistic ministry of Christ down to one act. This is far from the truth. Jesus came to be born, heal the sick, preach, die, and so much more. Even in the single act of dying he didn't think of me alone. The salvific act of Christ death offered us life here and hereafter. It also brought retoration to this planet. Jesus broguth salvation to man and creation and the world is in the process of being sanctified through Christ. I believe it is our christian duty to care about the planet and it's inhabitants becuase it is all being redeemed. God didn't send out an escape pod for some select human souls to board and find life later on. He promises life to the full now through his kingdom which is here now. This is a major part of the gospel that the Baptist tradition underemphasises. Evangelism, then, should be about loving others for the sake of furthering love. We want others to join us in our quest to rid the world of evil (which will only come when Jesus return but that doesn't mean we should work to better our situation now). I'm not saying sin and eternal salvation aren't important; they are just overemphasised in my personal tradition.

I'm not very eloquent so go check out McLaren's writings. He says it so succintly (and quotes scripture like I have failed to do).

Why do we read blogs?

It's an odd occurence today that blogs have a high level of poularity. But why do we feel compelled to read them?

It could be the sister's diary scenario. We want to be privy to some secret information about others. Know something about them that we wouldn't have learned through non-covert means. Once we learn this juicy tidbit we feel powerful and that makes us want to read more.

Or it could be that we want to feel secure that we are truly normal. We have our own set of experiences and ways of acting. How can we know if it is normal? Am I the only one who is interested in deep sea marine life (only an example) or am I the only one who eats a full, $1.29, 6 serving box of Mike & Ikes in one sitting (if only it were just an example). We long to feel normal and when we find someone who thinks the way we do we become elated. Finally, someone who shares my fear of roller coasters! These knowledge also forms a bond with the other person. Somehow, finding that other person justifies our actions. Now we can do them without shame and humiliation; bring our foibles out into the open. But not until we find that person.

Do you know why we read blogs?