A piece of Brain McLaren's genius

The acclaimed author of "A New Kind of Christian" and "Generous Orthodoxy" has a new book coming out called "The Secret Message of Jesus". If this new release is anything like his other books the writing will be refreshing yet challenging. Also, I think I know a little of what he may write about; it's recently been on my heart as well.

One of the clear messages coming from "Generous Orthodoxy" is that no denomination has it completely right. We all have our strong suits, but we need to search out the weaknesses and restore balance to our viewpoints. My main example is in the message of Jesus (this is where the new book advertisement fits in). I believe that, since Jesus was the son of God, he came for more than just a single reason. I hate the song "Above All" becuase it boils the eclectic and holistic ministry of Christ down to one act. This is far from the truth. Jesus came to be born, heal the sick, preach, die, and so much more. Even in the single act of dying he didn't think of me alone. The salvific act of Christ death offered us life here and hereafter. It also brought retoration to this planet. Jesus broguth salvation to man and creation and the world is in the process of being sanctified through Christ. I believe it is our christian duty to care about the planet and it's inhabitants becuase it is all being redeemed. God didn't send out an escape pod for some select human souls to board and find life later on. He promises life to the full now through his kingdom which is here now. This is a major part of the gospel that the Baptist tradition underemphasises. Evangelism, then, should be about loving others for the sake of furthering love. We want others to join us in our quest to rid the world of evil (which will only come when Jesus return but that doesn't mean we should work to better our situation now). I'm not saying sin and eternal salvation aren't important; they are just overemphasised in my personal tradition.

I'm not very eloquent so go check out McLaren's writings. He says it so succintly (and quotes scripture like I have failed to do).

Why do we read blogs?

It's an odd occurence today that blogs have a high level of poularity. But why do we feel compelled to read them?

It could be the sister's diary scenario. We want to be privy to some secret information about others. Know something about them that we wouldn't have learned through non-covert means. Once we learn this juicy tidbit we feel powerful and that makes us want to read more.

Or it could be that we want to feel secure that we are truly normal. We have our own set of experiences and ways of acting. How can we know if it is normal? Am I the only one who is interested in deep sea marine life (only an example) or am I the only one who eats a full, $1.29, 6 serving box of Mike & Ikes in one sitting (if only it were just an example). We long to feel normal and when we find someone who thinks the way we do we become elated. Finally, someone who shares my fear of roller coasters! These knowledge also forms a bond with the other person. Somehow, finding that other person justifies our actions. Now we can do them without shame and humiliation; bring our foibles out into the open. But not until we find that person.

Do you know why we read blogs?

Chernobyl

Some things that can cause a meltdown:

-Online game pieces not working at Playatmcds.com
-Unplanned, extra rehersals that eat up your free time before the next rehersal
-Thinking you lost you bow when you simply set it aside and forgot about it(well it's actually the school's but I'm still responsible fo it)
-People talking in the hall while you are trying to clam down after a 13 hour school day (noise in general)
-The shower suddenly turning really hot then really cold while you are trying to relax
- Learning about new homework or hidden homework (you know, the ones in the syllabus that are never mentioned after the first day of classes)
- multiple projects at one time
-slow internet
- hearing how busy someone else is when when they aren't involved in any extracurricular activities and have an easy major (me? no electives + 18 cr. per semester)
- having a $500 gig possiblity but having to turn it down becuase every scheduled rehersal conflicts with something in my schedule.
-not being able to practice for 2 weeks becuase of lack of time

I could go on forever; and these all happened today! Understandably, I had a bit of a meltdown. With schoolwork piling up and time running short I have hit a wall. Luckily, someone was there to catch me (God). I read psalm 24 and really tired to relax tonight. I had many distractions and things running through my head but I think I've reached the downhill. So why do I get so stressed?
I think the main reason is personal expectations; I expect perfection in school work. I simply haven't had the time to devote to studying and practicing that I would like and so I can see my grades slipping. I don't know why but grades hold many of us in a stranglehold. We try so hard to get A's and will destroy our health and become stressed simply for a letter attached to our name.

grades are labels. They tell us who we are academically. We even say "he's an A student" or "She's a D student (no gender bias intended)." Our live revolve around how some prof. decids to grade our papers, projects, and tests. Often we are subjected to thier personal bias and, as a result, we try to find our their preferred answer instead of seeking personal understanding. I won't even sepak up in class for fear of not having the prof.'s desired answer. This makes for an exemplary student when I do have the answer but for a lousy learner. I want to get past this grade obsession but it seems the harder I try the worse I feel about relying so I'm led to work more for the grade. So I play this game where I fall to pieces simply becuase I can't get someone else's idea of concept mastery finished instead of finding out what the course has to offer me and really learning. Countless times beloved subject have fallen away becuase they have become a class. I enjoyed theory, until I was graded on it. I desired to know everything about that research toppic, until I became my reasearch topic. get the Idea?

And soI continue in this cycle of stress and anxiety all becuase of a simple sheet of paper that tells me who I am.

My frustration

I love to play, even perform. Good music get me moving, gets me thinking, or gets me... plain and simple. I find a voice in playing and I worship best when I have an instrument in my hand. That's why it hurts when the turn out for an important concert is poor. When you give yourself blisters by playing so hard and experience pain in an attempt to make music that will satisfy others. I want others to experience the joy I find in jazz; to drink in the ballad or tap their toes to a deep swing. Not only that, it hurts when I see professional musicians come to play for our campus and they recieve little support. Specifically, I am talking about the Mulligan Stew concert this past thursday. It angers me that everyone says they enjoy jazz when I talk to them but don't have the action to back it up. They miss a great oportunity to hear some great music, even support Bethel's attempt at the genre becuase, quite frankly, they procrastinated too long or simply don't care. Your fellow students work hard to make good music and, yes, we do it for our own enjoyment but we want others to be there to congratulate us and to experience it. It like the old saying "If a tree falls in the forest an no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?" We made quite a sound, but the majority of Bethel didn't hear it. I do admit that the few that heard it were thrilled, but I want a bigger group to show up. If the school can turn out thousands to a football game shurely they can turn out a few hundred for professional musicians gracing our presence. Personally, I hoped a contingent of my friends would be there (yes there were a few of you). I told many people but no one seemed interested enough to support me. It shows me that you really don't care about what I do (of course many could say the same about me and for that I apologize). I feel betrayed by my group that says they appreciate jazz (yeah facebook!). To take a line from Batman Begins "Iit's not who you are underneath but what You do that defines who you are."
I'm tired of seeing the same dwindling numbers of people attend music events at Bethel. We have high quality programs often for free but most people miss out becuase they don't want to "waste their time". It not a waste, you may enjoy the concert, but, more imporantly, it gives the music department your support. And when even the school administration doesn't care enough to advertise, attend, or fund music event (except for the moneymaking festival of christmas) we can use all the support we can get. I have something great I have devoted my life to and i'd like to share it with as many people as possible.

By the way This week;
Orchestra concert monday night
Jazz concert Friday
Parents Weekend concert saturday
all concerts start at 7:30

Some Questions

here's a few questions without answers (I haven't found them yet):

Why do I sense things the way I do?

Why did I once hate spicy food but now I enjoy it?

Is there really TIME or is it a man-made invention?

Why can't I break away from social norms?

Am I who I think I am?

Is there something inside of me that makes me different? In other words, am simply I made up of expereinces?

What if someone experineced exactly the same things I did in the same order and same way; whould they be me?

Will I have hair in 25 years, will I want it?

If God loves me so much and we are strengthened by adversity, why doesn't he make my life harder?

It's all jazz

What is jazz? It's conversation through song; playing your song (which is derived from another song which we jazz musicians call "the head") and hearing, listening and conversing with the songs of others. For example, the great trumpeter Wynton Marsalis might be playing the tune "Take the A-Train" which tells the reality of joy found in the mundane. he and his compatriot, Wessell Anderson would play the "head" together; telling the reality as understood by Duke Ellington, the song's composer. After playing the "head" twice, Wynton would break in and play a bouncing melodic line, proclaiming the bounce in his step that comes from joy. Wessell listens and, when it's his turn to speak, would agree by playing something similar. Then, however, he would move on to his own take on joy. Maybe tonight he sees the pure energy that joy creates (you know how it makes you want to move, jump, do something fast) and he would play a flurry of notes. Fingers flying, he would tell his story and ,once he had said enough for the night, Wynton would break in with him and play the head. Yet, this time it would be different. Maybe some runs here, a new tone color there, they would integrate their songs into the "head" weaving a three part harmony based on Ellington's famous song written so we could converse with him (even though he's dead).

And that's only part of the conversation; I could go into how the rythm section says it's "amens" and tell their stories but that is for another time. The point here is CONVERSATION.

Since, as I said before, we all experience the world differently, we all have different songs. Not only that, we undersatnd things differently. I say pen and you might think of a ball point, black ink, bic but I may be thinking of a blue ink one (what are some other pen types besides ball point?). Now, since we percieve this way, it's a miracle we can communicate. I hope you all like miracles, I do. the important part of conversation, true conversation, is realizing this. We must stop thinking about ourselves and realize that the person on the other end of this conversation has his/her own points to make. They want to convey something just as much as we do, but we forget that there's a living, breathing, person on the other end and simply talk at them. remember I made a distinction at the beginning between listening and hearing? (go ahead, check) We need to really listen to what others say, maybe we could pick up a piece of their song (or what their song means to us). Many arguments could be solved if we would just stop to think about the other persons perspective. We may think they were stupid for making that choice, but at the time it seemed rational to them, possibly even the best option. But you come into the argument with false assumptions. You also bring in baggage from you own life and force it on them. They must think like you, act like you, know what has happened to you. We must stop being egocentric for our own good. Ayn Rand would assert that the best thing to do is whatever benefits you. Well... it is beneficial to realise the position of others.

If only we all thought the same way; but then we wouldn't be unique.
if we could understand each other that would be great; but the greatetst part is that God has enabled us to break through this existential barrier and communicate. It's not done often, but when it happens it truly is a miracle.

Facebook quote study

So I have several quotes posted on facebook and I'd like to take a good look at one (or two or all) of them.

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them"
Henry David Thoreau


First some background: This famous quote is from his book, Walden, that recounts his experience living simply on the shores of Waldn pond. In the first chapter, titled economics (I think), he goes in depth on why he attempted to live as such. This quote occurs while he remarks on the way men live and how they are seemingly tied to their work, their land, and the accumulation of things. Now that I have given some background I'll tell you my take on the quote.

What does it mean to live... I mean really live. "suck out the marrow" and drink deeply from life. It is singing.
To go to the grave with your song still in you means that you never sang; you never told your story. I don't mean the song that was given to you; either by being told what to do or being brainwashed. I mean the song that you have developed through trials, the good times in a single word- experience.
Your experiences are unique, don't think for a moment that you are like anyone else. In fact, I believe we experience even mundane things subjectively. Our understanding of "It's warm outside" is subjective. Not just the extremes, I think that, if there was a point at which one MUST put on a sweater, everyone's point would be different so in turn everyone's expereince of temperature would be different. NOTHING IS OBJECTIVE (in the strictest sense).

We must, then, proclaim our sbjectivity in song; but most don't do that. We become attached to our jobs, our property, and, most of all, to what people think of us. (insert tangent here) I believe that we don't really know who we are. We let others tells us who we should be and believe that that is our genuine self. CAST OFF THIS DENIAL; become who you feel like being. Probe the depths of things and find your subjective beliefs and understaindings.

So what does it mean to "live lives of quiet desperation"? I think that deep down we know that there is a personal song to sing, but we deny ourselves this becuase it may be unclutured or different or maybe we are afraid of making a "mistake". Let me tell you; THIS SONG IS SUBJECTIVE, it's improvised, it's jazz. You aren't missing that leap of a major 7th, the major 7th isn't there. You decide what you want to sing becuase the only things you can sing, once you cast off the fake song made by others, is what is inside of you. But we are desperate to sing becuase we have not sung, it requires too much of us. We fear our real selves; are they attractive? are they funny? are they wise? It's seems like they couldn't be but we want these "desireable" traits so insdead of pursuing ourselves we pursue the ideal person. Suppressing our song, we hold back and wait for the right social cues.

But believe me, I don't sing either. What is my song? I don't know yet. Have I tried to sing it? Not often and only when I am by myself or when I'm writing. Let's try this together. One step at a time. Step one: find your starting pitch........

Adequacy

I struggle with adequacy; I have to fight against it every day. I'm not saying that I think I'm overly adequate, I'm not (let's clear that up now). But I try to be adequate; adequate in work, adequate in attitude, adequate in loving others. I know that God should be my provider, he is the adequate one. Still, though, I don't feel comfortable handing over my struggle to God (whatever that means). I keep trying, fighting against impossible odds. It's is impossible, you know, we can't be adequate. Our human nature leaves us wanting, we need God ( can't you feel that?) Yet our flesh fights that. Hmm.....

That's it

A Poem for Thought

How to express this struggle
Inside, Depressed, I ponder.

I think about my sorrow grown,
made large by circumstance untold.

To worry is my biggest charge today
I wonder why fate has led me here?

A place where destiny, unkown, does rattle me
My path seems only certain to... dissapoint.

What is this agony? My struggle, sorrow, worry, disapointment?
The failure to be loved and love with equal tenderness.

Erickson's Psychosocial stages

He's really right you know. We all have a common crisis we deal with in various stages of life. Old people deal with Integrity, middle aged folk deal with generativity(did I accomplish anything?), and we (young adults) deal with Intimacy vs. Isolation. I feel this crisis almost daliy; not even business can get rid of it. I think about deeper friendships and who might be a good candidate. Yet many of my relationships remain shallow, I feel condemned to isolation. to make is worse, it seems even more hopeless when it comes to intimacy in romatic relationships.

I haven't really had any deep relationships in this category (noteworthy or not). The closest thing I come to is listening to Jazz ballads (see previous post). I can almost imagine a romantic slow dance (yes a guy can find that to be a good thing too). I'm not just talking a desire for physical intimacy, this is a deep longing foe a soul mate; someone to talk to about everything. Someone who I know I can be open with; I don't have to watch my words, they can just flow. I'd like to not worry about saying the wrong things. Instead, I'd love to vent, rant, or just talk.

Erickson says that if the crisis goes unmet it can result in stunted psychological growth. I don't want to be an unwhole person. More personally, I don't want to feel alone. We are a loner culture but deep inside lies a desire for meaningful relationships. I want that.

But Why during Homecoming week?

It seems like Homecoming week is the perfect week for assesment and projects. I don't have time to participate in activities becuase of my class work. Certainly if all I did was school work and homecoming events I could pull it off, but that's not going to happen. I need some free time. Let me jsut hit on my main point of anger.

In woodwind pedagogy class we have a flute test on friday. I have to be able to proficiently play on an instrument I can't get even tone on. I can't play all of the notes I have to know; this envolves developin the embrocure, which one cannot to in two weeks. I have practiced the perscribed amount of time yet I am struggling. But I'm not the only one, all the other non-woodwind players are stuggling (all four of us) but Thompson is having trouble seeing through the crowd of flautists to understand our frustration. We definetly need more time becuse I don't have more than thirty minutes a day to spend on this stuff. I can barely make thirty minutes becuase of stamina and sheer anger an not being able to play the note in tune.

I'm fuming.....

We've got spirit how about you!

It's depressing how anti-school sirit I am. I cringe at the sign of a campus event and avoid the homecoming cheer like the plague. Why don't I like school spirit? Maybe it stems from my aversion to people in high school who were full of spirit (since that's not the only thing they were full of it's not suprising I found them less than enjoyable to be around). Perhaps I simply believe that the energy produced with school spirit is contrived. I mean, does anyone really care about campus image that much or think our school is "the best"? Which leads me to perhaps the main reason for not being "spirit-filled"; It seems like even the worst schools have school spirit (which in and of itself is not bad). When schools get hyped up about school pride bad things can happen; violence, anger, wasting of time to learn dumb cheers.

Actually, now that I think about it, the main reason for not liking school pride is due to the condescensionthat accopanies it. We look down on those who don't like to participate (like me), the introverts are undesireable (me again), and we resort to a constant contest for who is the biggest school fan. We end up holding it over each other as a trophy. "I led the group in the cheer", or "I have been to every event" just push down those that either don't have time
or even those that can go but don't show their enthusiams as well as others.

That's why I am anit-school spirit.
Or maybe it's because......

Worship Ghettos

My dad made a good analogy today regarding the "privitization" of worship music. One group prefers Traditional Hymns while another prefers Choruses. Why do we divide over the how our music sounds? Can't we all just get along?

I say that to be funny bu there is a point to it. When we focus on style differences and decide one type is our preferred choice we forget the object of our worship. I think we should seriously conisder style choices, but the conclusion should be an eclectic blend of quality worship that both proclaims the greatness of God and our longing for him. We need to praise, honor and adore God; this type of worship can be found (textually) in hymns and gospel music (there are eceptions and also other style s I will most likely neglect to mention so please don't condemn my opinion becuase of the details).

Choruses (the music of the 90's until today [yes even earlier to starting with songs like "as the deer"]) are a great way to express the personal nature of our relationship with God. We express our yearning for the creator and the emotions associated with knowing God. These are great but more often than not we have a "worship diet" rich in this type of music. Our overdosing get to the point of hedonistic pleasure seeking, where we "worship" to get spiritually high instead of to honor God. We should have a blanced diet and remeber to praise God as well.
To illustrate this point; I was watching a worship music dvd (fre from Family Christian) it had music from Paul Baloche, Israel and the New Breed, Darlene Zschech, and other famous worship leaders. There were nine songs in all and eight of them expressed the worshipper's point of view (using mainly I, Me, My vocabulary). These are good songs (I really like Paul Baloche's "Offering") but we need a good balance. It's time to step out of our segregated churches and integrate other worship cultures. Perhaps we could stand a little "spiritual busing"?

Jazz Ballads

What is a good Jazz Ballad?

I'm listening to some of my jazz ballads from iTunes
-Sonny Rollins "You Don't Know What Love Is"
-John Coltrane "In a Sentimental Mood"
-Miles Davis "When I Fall in Love"
- Wynton Marsalis "End Of A Love Affair"
- Ellington "Chelsea Bridge"
- Basie "Lil' Darling"

What makes these ballads great? Yes, the music is well written; the chords create some amazing colors but I don't have that sound, that essence that is , well, essential, to jazz ballads. (commas anyone?)
So what am I hearing? It's something Emotional, Spiritual, Physical, Sexual (can I say that, Bethelites might read this!!). Great Jazz ballads have the essence of romance injected into them. Their sound pierces you deeply. A single held note says many things; they have an urgency in them that says, I love you. They say I just want to hold you close and then tell us what it feels like when you do. Great Jazz ballads make you want to find someone to share the music with (if you don't already have that person). They say, ah! Yes! The is what love really is. I can't completely explain what they say, in fact each persons experience is subjectuve; what says to me "Love" might say to you "Pain". Maybe is says both?
One of the greatest things Jazz ballads have taught me is that love and pain are inexplicably tied together. Love is pain and pain is love; not is the meaning that love is always painful. But someone crying evokes a feeling of love. "That person is hurting and I feel for them" or "I love you so much it hurts". These feelings are urges that want to burst out of our skins and yell, but that won't do enough. Words will not say all that is involved that's why Rollins, Coltrane, Miles, Wynton, Ellington, and Basie played it.

Being Real

How do you stay real when it comes to sin?
I've tried sometimes, I've been sincere, I've wanted to change but still I go back to the old ways of doing things. How does forgiveness work when I'm constantly asking to forgiven fro the same things. Shouldn't we change, get better, become more like christ? yet here I am; the same as always, a few minor changes in theology etc. but none the better for it. I still ignore the poor, the needy, and focus on what pleases me. And I don't mean those higher pleasures that we should be striving for. I mean those piddly little things that satisfy us in the moment but offer no lasting solutions.

Oh how I want Jesus to return ans put an end to this!!

Read the last post first

And I forgot to say. I beleive that if your seek the truth you will find it. Ask God to aid you in this pursuit of truth and it will inevitably lead you to him.

But it has to be scripturally based!!!

I have a serious problem; I don't think that the Bible is the only true source of Christian knowledge. I believe it is good to create beliefs based on experience and other sources. I think it is ok to search out the truth in nature, in the writings of nonchristians, and in yourself. And worst of all, I don't think the Bible was meant to be God's rule book for man.

The Bible is a book, yes it is inspired but it is still a book. The writers of the bible we real people and they injected the book with their own personality and soul. God didn't take over people's bodies to make them write what he wanted them to; he worked through them (that's the miracle) to make a Book that is both timely and timeless.

Experience, in my opinion, is valid. God gives us experience and sensations in this world and I belive his eternal truth in found withint these things. Yes, other bad things can also be found, but He did create the world. I'm sick of people yelling that everything we do has to be 100% straight out of the Bible. If people bow and sing in worship we can too, but if they didn't paint, write, or do other activities as worship they must not be valid. If all of this is a good way to go about things what did the early christians do before the canonization of scripture? They must have been totally lost. Oh yeah! tha's right, they flourished dispite this "handicap".


Don't get me wrong I love the Bible; in fact, I believe realizing that the Bible is a group of inspired but human documents makes it all the more powerful. How did God ispire these people yet leave their humanity intact? It amazes me that we can find something like this fresh Book that is true for all people, at all times, and in all places, yet was written in cultural context. The majority of movies made tewnty, or thirty, years ago are completely irrelevanttoday but this Book was written of the course of thousands of years and the final "Chapter" was written around two thousand years before today! And we find new fresh ideas in new cultural contexts. Bring the bible into modernism and you find one things and bring it into postmodernism and you find something completely differnt (not opposite just different). Take this book to an African tribe and it will mean something new to them too. There is power in this ability to be both in and outside of cultural context. Of course, we have to be careful when dealing with context (how much culture are our conclusions) But God promises the Holy Spirit so he has our back covered.

Oh yeah, the Bible is awesome. But so are the writings of C.S. Lweis, Brian McLaren, the music of Beethoven, U2, etc. and the art of Michelangelo and Jackson Pollack. Find God in everything and you will see life in an entirely new way even if everything you believe afterwards isn't directly coming from the mouth of Paul.

Mystic

What is missing in today's modern church? Why aren't people of my generation coming; fewer and fewer millennials are going to church and it's not becuase they aren't spiritual.
We, as a collective generation, believe in some higher power (generally). We know there are things that can't be explained and we like the mystery. The modern age, especially the age of reason, gave us science and logic which have tired to explain eveything. The thing is not everything is explainable. You would think the church would understand that more than most, but our preachers either attept to explain them or never approach the subject.

Also, what happened to the beauty associated with Christianity. Baroque arcitecture evokes feelings of spirituality and reminds us of the divine. Yet, most of our churches look like office buildings. Don't send me to a sterile, lifeless building to encounter a mystical God. We forget how important our other senses are; yes we are thinking things, but we are also feeling, hearing, seeing things (Thank you Descartes).

I think you get my Point. Now go encounter a God who is mysterious and alive.

Seriously

It's been a very long time since I have written here and I have grown tremendously.
I read many different things this past summer and done some stuff as well but the most impacting thing was learning about a New Way of Thinking About Christianity (caps for emphasis).

I read books by Brian McLaren that opened my mind to postmodern, postprotestant, post(lots of things), christianity. I have found that, along with a large portion of my generation, I am fed up with the church today. Rather, I already new that but I learned why it's true. I am sick of ungenuine worship, sterile buildings, formulaic services, "seeker friendly" churches, anti- Catholic biases, and many other things (mainly tracing back to modernism).

regarding woship, I have found a desire to embrace "emerging worship". I desire to integrate ancient practices and ancient music, remember the value of prayer, and get back to the core of what worship is. Let's engage the senses and not neglect the nonmusical churchgoers. Maybe there are varied forms of expression? Since when was hand raising manditory?

I'm really interested in integrating my worship ideas into Vespers at Bethel. What about singing chant? How about using art or poetry? Could we do something with responsorial reading of the psalms set to a melody determined by the leader? Let's find Bethel's unique worship voice insteadd of playing the same things that we can buy at the Christian Book Store (including playing just like the CD).


Well, enough for now. I can't think with all the noise (my roomate is playing a compy game)

Later

Posting time

My friend Adam Meckler came a few days ago. He always has the ability to make me jealous.

he's going to Lawrence conservatory and had learned much about playing music. The setup there sounds amazing and they sound like a top notch program. He and I jammed a little and I felt very out of practice. I haven't been concetrating on playing jazz so I have definetly lost some of my old ability.

I guess it's a good thing becuase it makes me want to practice. But I need to keep pinao proficiency and the other important aspects of my education in mind.

I just wish I could take this summer off and practice, read, and work on imporving. It's frustrating that I have to work, but the money is needed so i have little choice. Oh well, I'll get around to finding time for imporvement one of these days.