This is how it goes...

I'd like to put in writing my experiences this summer, but, since I'm tired, I'll do a bullet-point system to outline the major events as I saw them then recap at the end.

• Begin the summer with one interview: Painting with college pro. It seems to be my only option (and not too bad)
• Turns out I wasn't meant to paint. I quit (and never got paid!) and spend a few weeks frantically looking for jobs
• I find "The Cleaning Authority" which offered $10 and hour at full time.
• Turns out full time meant undetermined amount of time and less money than you hoped for.
• I still work at "TCA" and spent a good deal of my time trying to find teaching or music jobs to put my degree and passions to use.
• I applied to Maple Grove and never heard from them.
• I waited for Minnehaha Academy and it was filled internally
• I applied to PACT Charter school, interviewed, did a second interview, and didn't get the job
• I applied to Robbinsdale, knew another applicant who got the job (is she really better than me?)
• I applied to Hill-Murray school and still haven't heard from them.
• Still don't have my license so I can't sub.
• Got a job working nights and weekends at Schmitt Music to fill in the need for money.
• Turns out to be very unrewarding and uninspiring working for the "Man" of music

That's the jumble of things I think about when I clean (becuase your mind wanders). I am very dissatisfied with my life right now, and regret all of the jobs I didn't get. Now even the news is talking about the first day of school and I'm not in on the action. Instead I clean houses for arrogant, rich people who look down at me without realizing I likely have as much education and more brains than they do. I am throughly unfulfilled becuase my only opportunity to play anymore is for church playing as style of music I despise. I don't have my loan information on order. I don't know if I need to get car insurance and health insurance, and I simply feel like a failure.

I know that this is typical and I shouldn't get down on myself, but it is impossible not to do so. Situations like this cause one to shake their fists and tear their hearts out. We cry out to God Why! and receive no answer. Each application was like a new jolt of hope, and I thought God was simply teaching me patience and he would come through in the end. But those days came and went. Now I'm stuck where I am and I have to simply go on. Each day I must get up simply because life goes on.

I'm done. I'm sick of retyping all of my dyslexic typing errors.

Bye

At this moment I feel like being dramatic. I would like to write in broad generalizations which would, hopefully, draw sympathy and pity from the few readers I may have (even if they only exist in my head). Yet, I will not take such a tone becuase I truly despise that cut-your-heart-out melodrama and I refuse to add to the steaming pile of refuse that clutters the online blogging community. Instead I will remain level-headed and write with reason and restraint, but still suppressing my inner self-absorption.
I have come to a conclusion after a summer of simple jobs and poverty (not to undermine real poverty stricken people, I still have it pretty good by some standards) that God is using this painful season to draw a line in the sand. Will I join his secret, peaceful, counter-cultural, and revitalizing revolution (thank you Brian McLaren), or will I turn to my own way which is also the way of the world? He is stripping me of money and power which poison the world and drive all of us in our search for the "American Dream", and he is making it possible to either become depressed or turn to the only source of happiness left - Him.
Problem - I don't know if I can turn my back on money and power. It's not something that you can simply decide and then the world will magically get better. I sure wish I could say that and then God would deliver my dream job and financial security to my doorstep. I also wish I could drive pleasure from trusting in God to provide, but its not that simple. Undoing all that is flesh and sin can't be a simple act of rational thought. Only a spiritual transformation can deliver the comfort and joy I need. However, all I feel is a deep despair and anger at the state of my life. Will God drive me to the very brink of darkness, taking away all of my money and power, to drive worldliness away? When is it enough for God? Must I truly lose it all for the sake of the kingdom?

Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.
Matthew 10:39

Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said,
"Never will I leave you;
never will I forsake you."
Hebrews 13:5

"No servant can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money."
Luke 16:13

A smoking cigarette,
partially digested hamburger,
the utter decay of internal mechanism

A dwindling bank account,
fast approaching deadlines,
the erasure of security and comfort

A clean sink,
dirty uniform,
the loss of dreams, of motivation

Illusions fading,
Jaded eyes begin to focus,
this is real life